Checkmate

It seems lately that I'm playing a terrible hand at life - over and over. I don't know what kind of game it is, and I hate to be cliché, but it really is a bit like a bad dream I can't wake up from. I know things could be much, much worse...but I'm having the kind of Summer where each day brings a new dilemma and I'm trying to be a good sport...but I'm losing steam.

 

 
I have been adulting so much lately, it's exhausting. I have all this stuff I'm trying to sort out and the obstacles are never ending. I've been really good, too - not avoiding any of it - I'm actually working at it consistently. But, I must say it is far easier to avoid it. Either way, it is not being resolved so why exhaust myself? Oh right, because this is adulting. Pfft.

Last Wednesday (ya know - Weigh-In-Wednesday) I had had a kick ass week...adulting and all! I wake up and I am ready for it, I'm looking forward to it. I have an appointment up river, an adulting kind of appointment. Now, when your appointment is at 10 and you're back to your car by 10:03... that's not good - regardless of the appointment.

I am losing at my game of life...I can hear it taunting me - Checkmate, bitch.

I'm sitting in my car, trying to fight off a break down. I tell myself to pull it together so I can at least drive myself home. Next stop? McDonald's of course - because this kind of adulting calls for gross food that you think will make you feel better. Why do we think it will make us feel better? Sometimes it even does, but when you're not used to eating it, it actually only makes you sick.

I roll up to the window...they're not serving lunch yet. Okay, this is a sign, Brittany. Pull away from the window and exit the parking lot. This is your chance to make a better decision. Yea, that would have been far too responsible and adult like. So, naturally... I wait. 

                    

     

Yup, that's right. I wait for them to serve lunch. I order what I consider an effective amount of emotional aid - for $9.32 (another indicator this is a bad idea, it can't be real if it's that cheap). Then, I'm finally headed home.

But remember...it is weigh in Wednesday folks!!! WEIGH-IN-WEDNESDAY and I just ate my weight in McD's. Checkmate.

I spent the rest of the day in bed but actually did haul myself out when it was time for TOPS so I could face the music. I had my day of doom - the day I just couldn't handle another loss. I think we all need one every once in awhile. When the sun pulled up the next morning, I reminded myself it was a new day and new possibilities would be waiting, I just needed to find them. It was time to pull myself up by my bootstraps and move on.

                    

    

A new week arrives, even though I have yet to sort out my situation, I've continued on every day since. I intended to run some errands and grab some groceries on Tuesday, when my friend called needing someone to watch her son, so I offer to take him with me. No big deal, he is a great traveler and it was going to be quick (yea...)

We left right on time - approximately 9:30am. We had a bunch of little errands to run and finally it's time to get groceries before heading home. It is 11:30am, so we're doing well on time. We'll be back early afternoon and still have time to enjoy the day.

I always have a very meticulous shopping list, so we slide right through the Super Store grabbing items. We are now overflowing and heading to the register. Bennett has even selected a lovely TMNT bath scrubbie, so we're all content. I load up the car, we head over the bridge, decide to grab a quick lunch and then we're off to Walmart for a handful of my American preferred items. I am very impressed with our timing - it's just about Bennett's nap time, which is perfect as he'll sleep the whole ride home.

I'm happily pushing the cart to the car, I pop the trunk and begin unloading our items. As soon as I heave out the large bag of kitty litter, the cart starts to roll backwards, so I toss my keys on the ledge of the trunk so I can quickly snag the cart. I continue to unload the remaining items and once I'm done I lift Bennett out and slam down the trunk.

BEEP BEEP. 

                  

   

As soon as it closes, I instantly remember the keys. Right, I didn't unlock the car. Shit. I quickly look to see how far down the windows are and I'm pretty positive I can reach the lock. I stick my hand in and I'm a bit short, but a lovely young man unloading next to me offers to try and VOILA! Success.

I knew the alarm would start to go off, but in my head - all I had to do was use the trunk button on the door, pop the trunk, get my keys and shut it off.

That is apparently not how this works.

I'm pressing the button and NOTHING is happening...The trunk will not pop. WTH? I then crawl into the backseat, hoping to lay down the seats and crawl into the trunk, however those are locked as well. This car is locked up solid.

Checkmate.

I shut the door and after a minute the alarm stops. I stick Bennett back in a cart and roll on down to the automotive department. I explain my predicament.

Me: So, do you have a tool or a device I could purchase that will pop open my trunk?
Walmart Man: No ma'am.
Me: Really?
Walmart Man: Well, no ma'am, because then people would use it to pop open trunks that do not belong to them.

Okay, okay Walmart Man...Dumb idea, I get it!

I head to the service desk and ask if there are lock smiths in the local area - and by golly, indeed there are! The local True Value has a lovely locksmith named Ray. Good ole Ray...I called and while he's asking me a serious of questions about my car, Bennett decides to hang up the phone. I call back and we start over. 

Ray says there is nothing he can do to help. My car has gone into security mode, which means everything is on lock down. Nothing in this car will work until it is out of security mode and the only way to release it from security mode is to start the car. Frig sake.

Or should I say, Checkmate.

My only option is to call home and have someone drive the spare key to me. I really hate to do that, on this nice Summer day, but I am out of options. It's about an hour drive. What a pain. But I don't have a choice.

I go back into Walmart to the service counter and expain that Ray is unable to help, could I please make another phone call.

Walmart Woman: Sure - no problem.
Me: Okay, thank you - but it's long distance.
Walmart Woman: I'm sorry, but we're really not supposed to make long distance calls.
Me: I understand, but you are my only hope here!

Poor Walmart employees, they really wanted to help. But at Walmart Jail, you have to have a manager code to make long distance calls. This poor employee acted like an abused puppy dog at the thought of having to retrieve the access code. After much persusasion, we got the code for me to make ONE long distance call.

Have you ever been faced with ONE phone call before? It's not easy to decide who or where to call, especially in the summer when you're not sure who is working and who will be home. I decide to call my grandparents business. A lot of my family works there and I thought, if nothing else, they can make additional calls to find someone for me. My sister is there - Hallelujah! I attempt to explain my situation and ask her to find someone to go get my key and come save me. But I can't call back, so I'm going to trust you with this job and sit here hoping for the best.

At this point, I just feel bad for Bennett. I keep hoping I will see someone it would be okay to send him home with. I will close the place down, I'll sit here all night, I don't care - but I can't make this poor kid sit here. Then, by the grace of God, in walks my Aunt.

I have to return to my car and purposefully set off the alarm so I can get his car seat. But, because we're in security mode, not even the seats will move - so I am trying to crawl through my car and into the back to get the seat. Do you know me? I'm not a little girl. This was a difficult task.

I manage to wiggle through, unlock the belt and start heaving on the seat. It will not come out...I have no idea why...I heave and heave and heave....

At this point, I feel a melt down coming on. This is going to be my moment. I've made it through all of the above, but now I'm going to break down over a car seat.

         

 
Checkmate? I don't f'ing thing so. I step out of the car, take a deep breath, tell myself to pull it together and when I look down, I remember I have the car seat installed properly and need to remove ALL of the buckles, not just the seat belt. Oivey. I crawl back through, manage to release all of the buckles and pull the car seat out.

God love that kid! He was such a good sport, completely unphased by the whole event. We roll back inside, car seat and all...we get changed, juiced up and meet up with my Aunt.  Bennett is blowing kisses to Walmart as I get him settled in the car. Wish I could do the same. And, he's off! Phew.

Again, I'm willing to close the place down. I just wanted to get him on his way. I plunk down on a bench and along comes this older lady, who wants to share it with me. Sure, why not. She chain smoked and carried on about Mariah Carey's divorce (didn't know Mariah Carey was getting a divorce)...but it wasted time. It got to be too hot and I was only stressing about my groceries while I was starring at my car, so I excused myself and decided to plunk down at the service counter bench instead.

When I arrive at the service counter, I discover different employees - there has been a shift change! AHA! I go to the counter and tell them all about my predicament, not leading on that I've already been there and already made my ONE phone call. Sure enough, new code and another phone call!! BOOYAH! I use this one to call Bennett's Mom and fill her in on what is going on and that he is en route with my Aunt.

I am contemplating buying a book, because I have no idea how long I'll be here, when I hear my name - it's my mother! She is surprisingly prompt. I don't waste any time getting on the road. The first thing I notice is that in the process, I assume of heaving on the car seat, I managed to break off my rear view mirror. Whatever.

I book it home and when I arrive, the groceries have been in my car, on one of the hottest days we've had so far, for 6+ hours. So, in the making of this Life of A Rice Adventure - after all that - I did have to throw out the meat, frozen foods and one carton of eggs.  But, it is what it is, tomorrow is a new day and I didn't have to close up Walmart. Gotta look at the bright side, the view is always better from there. 

                       

   

Right to Bare Arms

I had missed about a month of TOPS meetings and when I finally was able to return, I had the very unpleasant experience of having gained 6.8lbs. As you read last week, this was terribly disappointing.  But, it was of my own doing.

This Wednesday, I had a pleasant surprise at TOPS. I lost 5lbs. and was loser of the week! I have almost lost what I had gained during my hiatus. I joined TOPS in mid January, and although I have lost weight - I seem to lose small amounts consistently and never have big weeks. So, this was my first time being loser of the week. I was excited, but at the same time - shocked.

I hadn't really worked for it. While I am not as off track as I have been for the past 4 weeks (if not more) I certainly wasn't working as hard as I had February, March or April. I've been yanging and yanging about needing to get back on track. Little things here and there have encouraged me to do so, but apparently not enough to actually do it - until now.  That 5lb. loss and loser of the week have me motivated and kicking ass again.

The house is full of fresh fruits and vegetables. I dug out my water jug. I signed into My Fitness Pal  and most importantly I got off my ass and got going.

I'd love to really kick ass and get back to my 30lbs. this week. But, that's a bit unrealistic, so I am just going to work my ass off and see what happens. I am back on my 4 step plan - sleep, exercise, healthy eating and water.

My orthopedic surgeon said no more running, which I initially was quite sad about - because I really enjoyed it. After I thought about it, the parts I enjoy the most involve the peace and quiet of it all. I am sure I can enjoy the same aspects with a brisk walk, with less impact on my knee. I also want to incorporate some strength and target some areas of concern. 

For example, I am very strange about clothing. I typically have on multiple layers. A tank top, a shirt and a sweater - always. For some reason, I feel more comfortable this way. As if being physically covered makes me emotionally covered...less exposed. I am so anxious about social situations and these little things somehow help.

But it is too damn hot to live this way, and I have a right to bare arms - sweaters are just not possible at this time. It's time to go sleeveless, and I need to be comfortable. So, I am starting an arm work out plan. I'm going to do it every other night for 6 weeks and see what happens. Tonight, my left arm is measuring at 15 inches and my right arm is measuring at 16 inches. I'm excited to see the difference in 6 weeks.

I am also excited about another potential progression. When we attended the Eric Church concert something exciting happened...I purchased a female shirt from merch. What's so exciting about that? Well, as a plus size lady - I have never been able to buy a female shirt at a concert. They're typical made small and may only be available in large or extra large, much too small for me. I usually have to purchase uni-sex or male clothing at events.

This was a prime moment for me in this journey. However, the shirt does not fit as comfortably as I would like, a little snug for my personal preference. You may recall, back in June I said I didn't want to focus on numbers quite so much. Instead, I wanted be a good example and focus on making healthy life style choices and being a good person - because that's what matters. So, for the 6 weeks that I work on my arms, I am also going to forget about the numbers. Instead, I am going to focus on making healthy choices, being a good person AND feeling good (aka comfortable). My hope is that in 6 weeks, this shirt will make me feel better than it did when I purchased it.

The countdown is still on...30 is creeping up and I am eager to see what I can do in the next 39 days. 

End Game

Recently, female students from my school attended a Girl Empowerment Summit hosted by Fearlessly Girl, an organization founded by Kate Whitfield. Fearlessly Girl creates movements to increase leadership and empowerment among young women, and encourages working on positive self image, decreasing girl-against-girl bullying and more. From there, these students decided that our community could benefit from bringing some of this knowledge to our school.

Between college and my time working in the field, I have 11 years worth of stories, stress, set backs and successes with children and youth facing these issues. I've encountered so many who have sadly turned to unhealthy and dangerous ways of coping. It's important to work on setting up effective strategies while facing challenges - but getting to the root of the problem is really the best solution. If we could work on bullying in general, we may not have to work with so many who are being torn down by it. So, I of course wanted to help. We got together to begin planning. As we are reviewing our Fearlessly Girl book (available here) we are discussing body image...rocking what you got, beauty-full you, self esteem make overs, etc.

It really had me thinking...I've been so public and up front with this journey, but have I given the wrong idea? I like to joke around and poke fun at some of the things I do - But plain and simple, this is all about feeling good. I don't want the girls in our community, my own family, or any random female who might stumble upon my blog to get the wrong idea. The effects of my weight were mostly mental, but were not extreme. It wasn't okay and I should have worked through it then. Now, I'm much older and the effects are more significant...mental, physical and magnified. Those minimums turned to maximums - I am far from comfortable and capable, and there lies the issue.

I don't want any visitors to begin to read about my journey and think I spend my days putting myself down in front of a mirror or on top of my scale. I also do not want them to start thinking about themselves and feeling like they need to change. Happy and Healthy - this is how we should be gaging our success.

I should be representing a population of girls my size and encouraging them to love themselves, be proud of themselves, don't hide it, be who you are...But, as you've read - I was not happy and healthy and needed a change. I have the utmost respect for any other curvy lady living that way...and I hope to join you. I just have some work to do first. It shouldn't be about what I see in the mirror, see on the scale or what size my pants are. Happy and Healthy - that is the end game.

For this journey, the best way to track my progress has been Weigh-In Wednesday. But, I know it's not about the number. My TOPS leader is always reminding us that we are more than the number on the scale. Yes, I use the scale to determine my successes - but it is simply to help me know that I am on the right path. I would really hate to give the impression that it means more than it does, and I'd hate to have my journey encourage someone else to think that way.

While, I'm not quite ready to set myself completely free from the scale, I do think a scale make-over is in order. I talk a lot of numbers, and this needs to change as I do. A good project to work on would be to find some more creative and encouraging ways of determining my success. I am going to try to J.Law it up for a little while. In the spirit of this post, and J.Law'ing it up - I will not give a specific update, but let you know that my TOPS meeting last week was positive - and I felt good. Success!

As I strive to be a positive role model, I don't strive to be "thin", or have my hair and make-up done every day, or wear the right things or wish I didn't have a lazy eye. My end game does not have any specifics on appearance or weight. I want to feel good, I want to be comfortable, I want to not feel anxious. I want to be confident, I want to be proud - I don't believe I have to be 131 lbs, have flexing oblique muscles, or only one chin just to feel that way. I have an idea in mind on how comfortable with life I wish to be. That's my end game.

On The Road Again, Take 2.

Just 2 days later, hardly recovered from our day trip to Fredericton - Becca and I head to Bangor. I know what you're thinking: I'm headed to Bangor to cash in my reward weekend. Aaaannnt - wrong.

I had to cancel the overnight for financial reasons. Then, because the spa we were attending is not open on Sundays, we had to cancel that as well. Instead, I book a pedicure with my local lady (insert shout out to Mermaids Reef Nail Salon). Then, I received the call to come to Fredericton and had to cancel. I like to keep my little puppy dog familiar with her amazing boarder (insert shout out to Whistler Boarding Kennels). However, in the night she dug at what we believed to be a hot spot and opened it up...between her boarder and I, we decided it was not best to send her.

So...we went from over night in Bangor, Spa Day, Tattoos and more...
To...quick trip to Bangor for tattoos - because I was holding onto at least ONE thing from this weekend.

                              

It is the night before, and since I had to cancel my pedicure appointment, my feet are in horrendous condition from not tending them most of the winter. Something needs to be done...I decide I am going to try the Listerine Foot Soak.

Of course, every recipe online is different, so I do my best and combine: 1 cup of Listerine, 1/2 cup water and 1/2 cup vinegar. It says to soak for 10-15 minutes. My feet are BAD, so I soak them for 20+. This may be where we encountered the problem. I remove my feet and they are GREEN. I would have even preferred blue...because this green hue very must reminds one of middle stage gangrene. All of the online tutorials claim that the dead skin will just flake right off. I can't say this was true for me...However, like I pointed out - I have terrible feet. Perhaps this might happen for someone with less of an issue. But I went to the tub and scrubbed on them, trying to remove the green tint and must say, apart from their coloring, they look much improved.

Thankfully, the next morning I applied a sugar scrub and quite literally scraped the green off my feet. Phew! We start off for Bangor and it is downpouring...Ugh.

Becca drove to Fredericton, so I was going to drive us to Bangor. I'm sure she regretted this within the first 15 minutes. I am quite night blind...and by night blind I mean dark and cloudy blind, rain blind and snow blind. Basically if it is not a semi-sunny day, I can't see. If it is TOO sunny I also cannot see, as I have sensitive eyes and they water ridiculously. Thankfully, I have learned how to cope and am rather good at navigating blindly.

                      

For the first hour and a half, we are just that, navigating AND hydroplaning blindly. But we haven't hit anything yet, so I assume we are still on track. Thankfully, the last hour of the drive was the perfect happy medium Brittany driving conditions, and we arrive to the tattoo shop (yet another shout out, to both Diversified Ink as well as my tattoo artist Siobhan Alexander.)

First things first..."Can we see your ID?"

Why of course you can, then I realize my passport is back in the parking lot, locked in the car. I decide to run out and get it. Why? Because I can't display my driver's license in public. It.is.awful.

Let me explain to you how awful it is...I have avoided any human contact with my driver's license to inthe very best of my ability. Normally, something like this does not bother me at all - this should indicate just how terrible it is. Becca had yet to see said license, until merely 2 days ago.

On our way home from Fredericton, my license comes up (can't quite recall how) and I make it very clear she is not to see it. She bugs and bugs, so I finally give it - it's just one person. I slowly pull it out of my wallet and hand it over.

Dead silence...

She's speechless...?

Nope, I look over...her head is tilted back, her mouth wide open...She is laughing beyond hysterics. It is one of those - I'm laughing so hard, sound is not even coming out my mouth - laughs. Finally, she gasps for air and a roaring, rolling laughter comes bursting out. I know it's true...I can't even help myself, I join in.

Her: OMG!
Me: I know...It's like I'm wearing a fat suit...
Her: And then ate your own leg...
Me: I know!
Her: Why didn't you take a new one?
Me: I did! I took like, 4!
Her: And this was the best one?
Me: They were all like this, I decided that must be what I look like.
Her: OMG, no...But you should never wear this scarf again.

We.are.losing.it. Neither of us can compose ourselves. Flash ahead 2 days...

Me: I need to go back and get my passprt.
Her: Just use your driver's license.
Me: I can't let anyone see that!
Her: They're not going to use it for anything, they're just going to check it.
Me: Ok, fine...

I hesitantly hand over my license...a moment goes by...the lovely lady behind the counter hands me back a form...WITH MY DRIVER'S LICENSE PHOTO COPIED AT THE TOP. This has never happened to me before. My photo is now officially out there. Think happy thoughts, think happy thoughts....

In a matter of minutes, I was laid out on a massage table being inked and only randomly recalling the dreaded driver's license. I introduce to you, the result of my Diversified visit:

In honor of my Rice family - a little lobster, representing the family business, which my grandparents worked their asses off to create, and where each of their children, grandchildren and now great-grandchildren have worked, learned and had the pleasure of growing up.

A wave featuring Maya Angelou's Still I Rise - Here's to overcoming obstacles!

The weekend did not go as planned but it ended rather well. We of course grubbed up before we headed home. We were so excited to be in a city and have a variety of options that we couldn't decide where to go. Following supper, even though I was full, I just had to stop to Cold Stone Creamery before we left Bangor. Thankfully, there was no time for anything else - we had to get back home, because it is likely I would have roamed around Bangor hitting up food joints all day.

Naturally, Wednesday rolls around and I gained 1 lb, saying good-bye to my 30 lb. loss. I must say, it was well worth it! I laughed it off. Sometimes you have to relax for a weekend and indulge a little. The real test of commitment is getting back on track afterwards, and that is what I am working on this weekend.

Plateauing

I've had a few messages and comments...Thank you for your concern - but no, I didn't forget about you...and no, I'm not rocking in the corner or wallowing...hehe. I've just been busy with life.

Life...Sure does keep us on our feet, huh? I have been on my feet a lot. I've also been pounding pavement daily and kicking ass this week. I have this nice little, almost-5k routine mapped out. I've been getting a lot of great tips and tricks (thank you, thank you!) Most people have recommended going by telephone poles - run 1, walk 1 and work on building up stamina. This seems like an excellent way to get started. Bob Harper (who leads my rainy-day-go-to power walk video) says to walk up hill - dig in low and then run down hill. So, I'm mixing together this various information in order to make up my routine.

It goes a little something like this: I come to a lovely hill right off, so I start with a brisk walk and dig in for the hill. Once I'm at the top, I run. Each spurt is between 4-6 telephone poles. This leads me to my next hill, which I power up...then a 4-6 pole run after we level out. This pattern continues until I hit the back road, which receives more walking than running because by this point I'm spent and my knee is throbbing. I'm currently completing this little diddy in 50 minutes. I have shaved off 2.5 min/km. But, I think this is where I will be for awhile. I'm okay with that - but the sad part is that on Saturday I walked the same route with the dog and made the same time lol.

I think I run a little like a giraffe. Not kidding. I make these large movements - yet somehow it's almost like my legs aren't actually going forward, like I'm not gaining ground. I don't think I'm doing it right lol. I clearly need to work on my form. When I finally make it to the back road where things settle down a bit, I then look like Forest Gump - hobbling along with my bum knee. It's not a pretty sight - this is why I run in the dark.

The other sad part is that I'm ALMOST at 30lbs and it is taking me SO LONG to get there. I kept telling myself I was going to get there this week - knowing it was a stretch in comparison to my recent losses. Hey - power of positive thinking...?! Like I said - I kicked ass this week. Then, yesterday - 1 day before weigh in - I do another check in and I'm UP 2 lbs. The ups and downs of weight loss...Oivey! You would think all this worrying would help shed a little bit. But, nooooo...

Panic sets in.

Now, I know it's not good to continuously check my weight. Typically, I just peak and it's all good. I don't have a meltdown (evvvveeery time lol). But this had me a bit worried. April has been a rough month for my journey - these pounds are suddenly moving like molasses.

I come out to the kitchen and proceed to tell Becca about my discovery - who in return proceeds to tell me I'm not allowed on the scale anymore. I ignore her and continue:
Me: I just don't get it. I already had my plateau - I was a sitting duck for 3 weeks!
Her: But you lost last week?
Me: Yea, after 3 weeks of nothing. I can't be going idle again. I can't be plateauing.
Her: I thought you just had a plateau.
Me: I did, that's what I'm saying...I can't be plateauing again!!
Her: I love that you're using it as a verb - plateauing - like its an action. I just can't plateau today - I'm too busy
Me: Yea, exactly - I just can't plateau this week - I'm not in a good place after Derrick's death. This just isn't the time.

Plateauing...Pfft...About as bad as adulting.

I did in fact NOT quite hit my 30. I lost 2.4 and made sure to announce that I WOULD be getting it next week - everyone be ready!! I have one more weigh-in to get there, or I have to cancel my reward trip to Bangor - and I realllllly need that pedicure.

Not getting my 30 lbs, or the thought that I NEED to get my 30 lbs still didn't stopped me from successfully participating in the Wednesday Night Binge though - it's all part of the system, ya see. We were coming through customs last week with all of our goodies and...
Officer: Anything over?
Becca: Just food.
Officer: Any fruits or vegetables?
Becca: Nope.
Me: No need to worry about that - there are definitely no fruits of vegetables here!
As I sat in the passenger seat with my lap full of french fries, chicken fingers, chips, peanut butter cups and probably more. All part of the system...

Don't mess with the system. Until next week, folks - when I'll be a 30lbs lighter!

The Happy Adrenal Apple

Lately, some of my "good clothes" are making me appear...well, not good. Let's just say that much. Some of them are getting baggy. I was actually carrying an armload of stuff into the house last week and just as I finally reached the counter to unload, my pants fell to my ankles. It was a good thing I was alone! By the time Summer really hits, I will need to purchase a few staples for my wardrobe. If I'm going to work this hard to lose the weight, I'd like to look the part.

While considering what I have and what I will need - I decided I'm going to try to not cover my body with layers and layers of black anymore. I feel good, so let's look good. But, I have an odd body. My family would call this the candy apple look. Yup, I am apple shaped. This is supposed to be the hardest weight to get rid of, as well - awesome! All the luck...

 

While searching through a variety of blogs on how to dress this difficult shape of mine - I discovered a few Fancy Nancys who are also candy apples - such as Oprah, Dolly Parton, Catherine Zeta Jones, Kate Winslet AND...get this - Angelina Jolie! These are some pretty great people - must be the apple. Angelina is my favourite apple shaped celebrity. She might even be one of my favourite all time celebrities. Her style is simple and natural. Her influences are not limited to fashion and entertainment either. She is quite passionate about her involvements as a feminist and a humanitarian. A pretty well balanced celeb, I must say...and probably hard to come by. NOW we have something in common (probably the only thing). You should just start calling me, Angelina!

Angelina might be a few pounds lighter, so even though she is a candy apple as well - it is unlikely we will be wearing similar garments. It is also unlikely we suffer the same struggles. There are things I find difficult to do- not just because of the extra weight in general, but because of this specific shape. I like to call this struggle - the bowl.

This bowl gets in the way..a lot. It's terribly annoying. Whether I'm trying to tie my shoes or I'm trying to dig something out from the back of the cupboard - this bowl keeps me from bending and moving the way I need to. I have bowl belly..and by bowl belly, I don't mean those cute little belly castings people make when they're pregnant and turn into decorative pieces. No sir...I mean, it is literally like someone duct taped a bowl to my torso.

I have actually suggested to Becca that she try this, when she wonders why I have asked for her help digging a pan out of the back of the cupboard. I realllly wanted to duct tape a bowl to her torso - she wasn't into it. I can't imagine why though?! I think someone should try it - just to see what it's like to have this barrier smack dab in the middle of your body and try completing everyday tasks. Apparently it is not going to be Becca, though.

It's really a sin...But, she has survived so far and she hasn't moved out yet. I do get a lot of Ohhh deah's and head shakes. But she's still around...even after conversations like:
Me: Oh man, there's something wrong with my arm.
Her: Like what?
Me: I don't know. There's like a lump, and it's sore.
*she comes to investigate*
Her: Ohhhh deah.
Me: What?
Her: That would be called a bicep. *insert head shake here*
Me: Oh.
Her: Yeeeaaaa.....
Me: Never had one of those before, I guess.

This conversation should actually be the least of her worries - I've talked about things this week that I never talk about: poop, periods, belly fat...Oh yes, I think it has all been covered! Interestingly enough, I learned even more regarding this bowl of mine. I knew there were different shapes, but I did not know that there are different kind of bellies.

This discovery resulted in losing hours of my life I will never get back. Most sites refer to 4 main types. I narrowed it down to two - adrenal and thyroid. I think there is a little bit of both, but settled on adrenal after reviewing the information below, I found at Beauty Tips 4 Her.

While sifting through the information and reading things like...
"poor sleeping habits"
"brain fog"
"poor memory"
"edgy" and "irritable"...
I was thinking "DING! DING! DING! We have a winner!" Unfortunately, the only tips they gave for how to improve my situation was to reduce stress, increase sleep and eat consistently throughout the day instead of binging in the evenings. I have mastered that last tip - but unfortunately for me, there is very little I can do about one and two.

Regardless, I'm happy to say that I found some success on the scale this week - I'm down 2lbs and finally happy to see a budge. I don't think I'm going to reach my goal on time (after this 3 week lull) but I'm just happy to see a change on that scale again. I might be an adrenal apple, but I'm a happy one!

It's Wallow Time!

Tonight, we wallow - but tomorrow we will work. And by we, I actually mean me. I don't have a clue how anyone else is doing tonight...I just like that it made it sound as though someone was in this boat with me. I had a rough TOPS meeting. If you're looking forward to reading my sometimes entertaining blog - come back again next week!

I don't have anything inspirational to say. I'm not going to pretend to be thinking of the bright side and better days, because I'm not. You know me, keepin' it real...and reality is - I feel broken. I'm sure you've all been there, or will someday experience this. It's all part of the game.

I have been working at this, as you know since January 14th. However, I took baby steps and made changes one at a time. The last 2-3 weeks, all areas of this life style change have come together in unison. I've been killing it! I'm working out daily, often twice/day. I'm eating well and not even feeling the need to indulge. I'm happy and healthy!

However, weigh-in has left much to be desired. I stayed the same, then I had my 0.2 gain. I started to evaluate how I was sabotaging myself, and determined I wasn't getting enough calories - especially taking into account my activity. My breakfast has been small/on-the-go items and I knew I needed to beef them up and start my day off right. I spent all week working on this. I made breakfast baggies with my egg whites and veggies all ready to toss in the pan. I had my veggie sausage ready to go, just needed to brown them up. I am constantly snacking on fruits and veggies to get those calories.

I really thought I had this! Even over the Easter holidays, I did not sneak any candy. I did have mashed potatoes and a cupcake - which I factored into My Fitness Pal and STILL was under my calorie intake for the day. Yet, when I stepped on that scale yesterday, after all my efforts and confidence that I had it figured out swirled away - I lost 0.2 lbs.

A loss - I know...but not the loss I was looking for. I lost what I had gained last week, which means I'm at the same weight I was 3 weeks ago. Considering the amount of time and effort, this is a terribly frustrating feeling.

In the past, I have had similar experiences - but, deep down I KNEW that I had done this, or I had done that and I wasn't quite ALL IN. This time - I am ALL IN. I truly am! That is why I am so broken up about this. I want it so badly, I am doing absolutely everything in my power - and I'm a sitting duck.

Awhile back I had decided to set up some incentive for myself. Just days after planning and booking a night away, I had to cancel due to another commitment. I still needed that incentive, so I created this timeline and again - placed it in plain sight. I surpassed by 280 goal, earning me a Spa Day and I'm working on ducking below 270 for some new ink. I made reservations for May 16th, in hopes I can reach these goals and treat myself. That gives me 5 weeks to lose 9.2 lbs. The worst part, when I set this goal, I had 8 weeks...but as I pointed out, no progress- 3 weeks gone and I'm the same. I really hope something turns around for me soon.

So, pity party over. I hope I can come up with something witty in the next week to make up for my wallowing. As promised - tomorrow I work. The alarm is set for 5:30am and I'm going to keep on, keeping on.

The Fire Inside

I have received superfluous amounts of support and praise for my endeavours. As I mentioned at the tail end of my last post - this blog and all of you are a key factor to my journey - along with TOPS, my fit bit and...the haters! Yup - the haters. You all know what I'm talking about! There is always that one Negative Nancy and sometimes a few Debbie Downers. Now, I'm not going to really hate on the haters, because all their negativity does is fuel my fire. So bring it on! Things like that would make the old Miss Rice sulky and retreat to bed. The new and improved Miss Rice uses it to pull me out of bed each morning and complete my strength each night.

Now, I don't have anyone downright telling me I can't do it - but I have received the occasional snarky remark... I also get a lot of the passive aggressive side comments: 

"Aren't you lucky - I have kids and work full time"

"I'm so busy, that must be nice."

I'm not discrediting stay at home Moms, single Moms, working Moms (or Dads).... Whether you are one of the mentioned, single and/or childless, or better yet - married to your job...Everyone is busy! It's how hard you're willing to work in order to make it work. No excuses, right?

Listen - It's no walk in the park...and I'm just as busy as the next person. I hate to do this rant, but I'm going to prove my point. I work Monday-Friday - but I am in work mode all.the.time. I have a job I care a great deal about and therefore, I work most evenings and I'm constantly thinking about it. I'm also taking 4 classes, I dogsit/babysit on an as need basis, I'm a member of the Library Association and leader of our local Girl Guides...among other things.

Did you think I get up at 5:30 each morning so I can watch the sun rise? Uhm no. It's because every other minute of my day is already booked. I've been there (many times)...always making an excuse. As I became an adult and should have taken matters into my own hands, I didn't really know how. It's taken me all this time to learn enough, work enough and want it enough. 

Yes - want it enough. Like most things - it's up to you to be ready. You're probably thinking, why wouldn't you want it? I'm not really sure?! Since I have always been "big" I think I was "used" to it. It never became a top priority until this year. Still, I don't really know what average or skinny Brittany looks like. Actually, when I try to think about it - I am a bit concerned about some things that come to mind.

Like - thigh gaps. I doubt I'll ever have one, but I actually am not interested. Whether you are supposed to or not. I'm serious about this one. I don't even like them. I think they look funny. I was discussing this on a recent car ride and my cousin started laughing and said I sounded like someone who was actually jealous, and in fact did want thigh gaps - but was pretending to not want thigh gaps. I assured her that was not the case. No thigh gap for me. Trust me! 

Remember my big head? If I lose weight (even just 40-50 lbs.) and still have this big noggin', I'm going to look like a bobble head! Ya know, one of those toys people put on their dash with the oversized head that bobs around. Eeekkk! I have to try not to think about it...

Like the head isn't worrying enough, a recent stomach discussion now has me further concerned. Much like a cow...most of us have sections to the abdomen area. Typically 2, I would say. During this discussion, I learned the bottom part of your abdomen is called a pannus. Who knew?...And you can have your pannus removed. Yup. True story. 

Now, I would prefer not to do that - for my body shape I think that would be a major no-no lol. I already have a horribly proportioned body! If I hacked off my pannus - that would only contribute to the madness. It would only add to the bobblehead effect. I might even be so top heavy, balance would be practically impossible. Since there are no options for my bobble head, I guess I better keep my pannus...and my ability to balance - thank you...

That discussion really had me thinking about weight loss alterations. I am trying to strength and tone - but I'm still worried it'll be sagging and flabbing all around. I most definitely would not have money for any form of surgery. However, I do not want to get dressed and then have to tuck my skin in. This is a great concern. I know I am many, many pounds away from this - but it's giving me nightmares. 

It's likely I'm also going to have weight gaining nightmares now! At our 12th meeting - I finally mumbled the words "I gained". Well, maybe not mumbled - as I envisioned that moment - I actually laughed while I said it. I couldn't believe I gained after working my ass off the last two weeks. I gained 0.2, after pounding pavement 5:30am - day after day.

So, Grey's fans - Here I am again, following in Meredith's footsteps. The streak is ovah!! I'm a bit nervous to watch tomorrow and see what is in store next. Regardless, I clearly have a few more things to figure out. I think I'm a far cry away from bobble head or pannus removal surgery, but in 148 days I might not be! By the way, I'll be expecting cash for my birthday to help pay for surgery! 

                            

     

The Streak

"Oh yes, they call her the streak..." No, No... Don't worry! There will be no streaking in my near future. I hope that hasn't made some of you weary of reading this post. Do I have any Grey's Anatomy fans out there? If so, you know Miss Meredith Grey was on a streak! She hadn't lost a patient in 89 surgeries, or some similarly miraculous number. While discussing roll call, gains/losses and how many meetings we have had at TOPS - I was checking my weigh-in book and discovered I'm on my own streak. We have had 11 meetings, 10 weigh-ins and not a single gain. Some weeks are bigger than others - but whether it's 0.1, 1.0 or 10.0 (yea, right!) - I have not gained since January 14th. I am pretty excited about this discovery...and I too, wanted to tell about my streak.

During this process, I've been working hard to figure out once and for all what works for me. It's been pretty evident I've been a bit all over the place trying to do so. I've tried it all over the years...and nothing has ever really stuck. I hear people carry on and on about loving this and couldn't be without that. I have to tell ya...that has never happened for me. It's has always been a struggle...
every.damn.day.

Not one aspect did I find enjoyable or even tolerable. This journey has been by far the most successful - the longest I've ever stuck with anything, and in result, we have...the streak! In the past, I was waiting and waiting for that "loving it" mentality and it just didn't come. Even into week 6...7... 8...of this journey, I was having to force myself through. We had our 10th weigh-in Wednesday and I am JUST now starting to have that feel good attitude.

Awhile back I had placed 30 work out visuals in my living room, after reading that it takes 21 days to create a habit. Perhaps that is true for some, or even most...but it was not true for me. Even after seeing a 10 lb. loss...15 lb. loss and heading into my 20 lb. loss - I was waiting for the feeling to come over me. However, I wasn't shouting from the root tops by any stretch of the imagination.

We're into Week 11, and I'm just getting there. I'm finally finalizing a schedule that I naturally want to commit to and don't have to argue with myself repeatedly. I am finally completing work outs and meals with that feelin' good attitude. I just want to sing "Can't Touch This". I don't even know why, just have the urge lol. No matter what goes on in my day - I'm happy. I'm coping and I'm productive. I had a fair amount of patience before, but it is much improved. In my line of work - that's terribly important. Now, here I am, down another 1.2 lbs this week...sitting between my 20 and 25 pound weight loss and I can finally say I feel it. I'm on a streak...and I feel it!!

I'm still keepin' it real, though...I still have my Wednesday night binge. Then, I wake up Thursday morning and I'm back at it! As many times as I've attempted this weight loss, I sadly can say that I've never really felt committed or habitual in any aspect...let alone obsessive. I do have an obsessive personality, I'm actually quite obsessive in several other aspects of my life. Probably too many to be mentally healthy lol. However, becoming obsessive in the world of healthy living has never been a concern. I have finally found (and who would have thought it would be a good thing) another obsession....

Meet my  FitBit Charge...

Although we already know I fell in love with my morning workouts, I definitely can pay gratitude to the FitBit for keeping that going. In order to hit those daily goals...I need that workout. I am obsessed! I check this thing several times a day. I'm completely committed to hitting those daily goals, even if it means I have to run in place at the Hannaford's check out (Sorry, Courty!) It tracks my sleeping patterns (which is as bad as I thought it was - averaging 2-5 hours of sleep each night), steps, miles and calories burned. It also has a section for stairs - but I don't track that as I don't have stairs at home or work. My main daily goal I have set as steps. It vibrates once I hit my goal. I also have an alarm set, so it vibrates each morning at 5:30am. If I am going to hit that step goal, I need to turtle.

Yes, I call it turtling. People will say, "Did you go for your run this morning?" Let's not get carried away and call it a run, it's pretty far from that. I lightly jog 1/2 of the 3k. Maybe 3/4 on a good day. When I say lightly jog, I mean it resembles a turtle crawling through molasses. Yes I know it's a start, it counts and all that jazz - I'm not putting myself down...Just keepin' it real, as you know.

I understand these devices can be pricey - mine happened to be a gift. However, it is well worth the money! It is key to keeping me on track, along with my TOPS meeting and this blog. If my streak continues, I owe a lot of appreciation to these three things.

Do The Do-Over

How is it that when you actually and finally have nothing to do, all you can do is nothing? And, when you have something(s) to do, you tend to do everything? Hold on...let me explain. I've commented on this before. When I have a day - which is few and far between - where I have nothing on my plate and I can therefore create my own schedule for the day and do what I need to do...a perfect day to get in my work outs and plan meals, I don't. I end up doing nothing at all. However, when I have a jam packed day - work, school, Girl Guides, Cheer...I am more inclined to squeeze something into every last possible minute and push my time to the extreme, acting like a nut case along the way.

Since I live in NB, Canada, students and staff of the school system have a week off. Perfect!

Miss Rice Last Week:
"I'm going to work out twice per day."
"I think I'll plan ahead a bit, make up some meal plans."
"I can't wait to research some new recipes."
"I'm kind of happy I can't afford a vacation, then I don't have to worry about vacation weight gain!"

Wrong.

Miss Rice This Week:
"Man, I have eaten like I was on vacation!"
"Geez, I've fallen off the wagon a bit."
"Have I worked out at all this week?"
"What are we going to have for supper?"

Yet, I guarantee that when I'm back at it full force next week, I'll be juggling it all (like a boss). I guess I just love the chaos.

The last few weeks, I've been waiting for my plateau to strike. I've been very concerned about having to mutter, "I gained". I REALLY thought this week was going to be my first gain and I (Hallelujah!) stayed the same! Phew.

There is nothing wrong with gaining. Inevitably, it is going to happen to all of us at some point. At times, I think it would be nice to just get it over with. My losses have been dwindling down, I did not lose this week - which means a gain may be just around the corner. I know the level of will power I have (or don't have). After that first gain, that first defeat - I fall apart. It has been 7 weeks, I have not gained yet, but I must keep plugging away because I still don't feel like I could personally overcome a gain quite yet. It's time for "the change".

I know many of my supporters are in this same boat. I hear from so many of you personally (which I love). I've received so many great messages from people who love the blog, who feel inspired and those who message to support me. One common thing I hear is that they have hit their plateau, they are not seeing any weight loss, etc.  You, too are ready for "the change". Don't doubt, do the do-over!

When working with students, and we happen to make a wrong choice, we have the chance to apologize and do a do-over. Adults can do the do-over, too! Sometimes, we hit a rut and our body needs us to change it up...so we do the do-over!

Things we need to NOT change: tracking and drinking water.
It's really difficult to keep up with this, but if you are not tracking OR if you have started to slack on your tracking - get with it! There is nothing wrong with writing it down in a notebook or journal, but I strongly suggest using an online program such as My Daily Plate, My Fitness Pal or one of the many others available. Why you ask? Because not only does it make it easy to be accurate, but it also helps track individual nutrients (sodium, proteins, carbs) which I find equally as important as calories.

Things we need to change:
Food
Look back through your logs, reinvent, what seemed to work, what didn't? Sometimes we take it too far. We drastically change our ways and it's not realistic. Think about the foods you like, the foods you enjoy and think of healthy ways to reinvent them instead of cutting them out. Make sure you're not too far under - those goals are set for a reason! I've recently had that problem (barely hitting 1000 calories when I need 1900).

Exercise
I easily get bored with exercise. Especially if I pick a program I want to follow - such as the Gillian Michael's videos, Couch to 5k, etc. I have to change it up. I understand those programs are good if you're looking at specific goals - such as running a 5k. However - I'm not working towards anything like that currently. I just want creative ways to burn calories. I keep a list of my cardio and strength options. A lot of times, I am looking for something quick and will resort to YouTube for some Zumba exercises or jump on the treadmill. I also have Pinterest workouts for the exercise ball, kettle bell, dumbbell and medicine ball. When I'm in a rut or "don't feel like it" I pick a new work out to change it up. While I did not exercise as I should have been, especially for being on break - I did borrow some snow shoes and took on one of the fabulous local trails. I also laced up the skates and checked out the new rink. My favourite kind of work outs - the kind that don't feel like work outs!

 Snow Shoeing Selfies! 

Have a bad day.
Say whaaaat? Sometimes you just need to have a bad day - get it over with. I personally think that by depriving yourself - your setting yourself up for failure. Again - be realistic. If possible, purchase individual treats instead of boxes, so you don't over indulge. But let yourself have bad days here and there (controlled bad days).

Reward yourself
Maybe with a bad day...maybe with something else. Set a goal, find a reward and follow through.

I've already started. I've let myself have a bad day, I've found some new exercises (I am going to attend a Drums Alive class next Sunday) and I'm always reinventing recipes. So far, I've rewarded myself with treats each Wednesday.

Seriously, you should be here on a Wednesday or Thursday night...it's scary. Tonight, we stopped at a local convenience store for some scrumptious Sweet Chili Chicken Fingers. Normally, we record all of our shows and I can't recall the last time we watched a commercial. We were loving on those chicken fingers so intensely - there was no time to skip the commercials.

I hit my 15lb. mark last week, 20 lbs is hiding out somewhere nearby, so I think it's time to think big - think beyond Sweet Chilli Chicken Fingers lol.

I never go anywhere, and that's something I'm trying to work on (life is too short!). So, I have booked a night away Easter weekend. I've invited Becca to make her own goal and join me. Originally, I made a goal of losing 30lbs. by our April 1st meeting (14.4lbs, 4 weeks). I have everyone freaked out, as they feel it's too big of a goal and I'm setting myself up for failure. I appreciate their concern, but I've put lots of thought into it.

If I set a 25lb. goal - that's realistic yes, but I wouldn't need to push myself in order to reach it. However, 30lbs. I would, and that's what I need. This get away includes - a themed room at the Best Western which includes a massage chair, fire place and jacuzzi! As well as an afternoon at A Body in Knead Spa and for the finale, a new tattoo! It's probably ALL going on a credit card, but it is definitely worth the fight. Since there is so much concern, I've contemplated having 25lbs. earn my the night at the hotel, 28lbs. earning the spa day and 30lbs. earning the tattoo. But I really think I just want to go for it - commit to the 30lb. loss and really challenge myself. I need to kick my own ass, and dammit - I want that getaway - It will really hurt to call and cancel.

14.4lbs, 28 days. Come on everyone...cheer me on!!