Leading the Pack

I'm sure most of you realize this by now, but it's 2016. My 2016 sure had an interesting beginning. I provide local dog sitting services. I got up this morning and went to do my rounds. I arrived at a clients home who happen to have a surveillance system, which they can check from their phone. I was playing ball with one of their pooches and when she went in for her landing, her paw caught my pants and took them down with her. So, 2016 started off with me...ass to the wind - literally. Awesome. I hope this is no indication of how the remainder of the year will go.

Some people put a lot of thought into reflecting on the previous year and preparing for the new year. Some feel that setting resolutions is foolishness. I am indifferent. I think if you need that "reset" for yourself - go ahead - set goals, think about how you want to change/improve or things you would like to experience. If you personally feel it's hogwash and you shouldn't feel the need to change or things are just great the way that they are...that's cool, too. Some years I didn't give it a thought. I don't feel that not participating left me without accomplishments. In more recent years, I have paid more attention to how things went and how I want them to go. Mainly because I'm a goal setter by nature. I've come to realize I need goals to keep me in line. I even set goals at work...to get this done by 10am, that done by 3:30pm. It's just the way I function. I agree with the saying...you can't go back and make a brand new start, but you can start and make a brand new ending. To me, that's what the new year is about. How do I feel about where I'm heading? Do I need to make any changes before I get to my ending? If life is to end here...now...how do I feel about that?

It is not always going to be sunshine and rainbows. So naturally, 2015 had highs and lows. That's life. It definitely provided some unexpected turns. Ya know, I don't even know if I could call them turns - I pretty much jumped the track. But, I did good.

I wanted to give 100% to my classes, but didn't get to return to school.
I wanted to lose 50lbs and lost 30.
I finished 2 big projects for the house.
I had certain tasks for work, and I ultimately selected a different career.
I did slow down but still need to work on aspects of that one because I really just like staying home now.
I surprised myself on several occasions.

Not too shabby.

I'm definitely not the same person I was when this year started. In 2014, I felt I was living a life that wasn't realistic. I was experiencing life at several WTFs per hour. Instead of continuing to deplete myself, make poor choices and conceal my plethora of emotions - I faced the chaos. I still have some things to tend to...but overall I squeezed a lot into my year. I made some big changes and took charge of my life. I want more of that in 2016.

I said 30 was going to be The Year of Brittany, and I was going to do what I needed to do for me. Technically, I'm still 30..and I have until August to finish this shit up. However, I can't be disappointed at all with what I have accomplished since last January. Over 2015, I realized...

- A bad day is just a bad day - not a bad life.
- Who you were doesn't matter - just who you are.
- No matter what happens at the end of the day, every morning the sun still comes up.
- Wearing lipstick gives you confidence. 
- Honor the body you've been given and take care of it.
- Stop reading books you don't like - there is no point to this. There are so many books out there you will like and will never get to...don't waste time on ones you don't like. Needing to finish is a stupid rule. 
- Produce feelings, it's okay.
- You will always find an excuse to not exercise after work - so do it before.
- Laugh at yourself.
- Stop worrying. The bad things you worry over are not the bad things that actually end up happening. You will never be prepared, so just stop worrying.
- Be money wise.
- Find a hobby.
- If you don't want to go, don't go. It's okay to go out...but it's okay to stay home, too.
- Take risks, bet on yourself.
- Dancing can fix any mood. So can singing. Sing when you're sad, sing when you're happy.
- Make people work for your affection, you deserve to be swooned.
- Don't give up...good things are out there, pretty great things can happen if you give it a chance.
- Caring for yourself is not self-indulgent.
- Life is tough, darling...but so are you.

Going into 2016 my goals are pretty similar - get back on track with blogging, get back on track with living a healthier life style for my body and mind and complete my little projects, of course. In addition, I want to continue to do more for me and the people important to me...stop giving so much of myself to things that do not serve a purpose or are not appreciated. I want to read more books, take more photos and focus on work. My 2016 motto is going to be...choose joy! I think the last major change that needs to be made is to filter out the negatives. Things are good for me, right now and I need to feel that...I need to choose joy.

I feel good about 2016, I feel good about these goals - they're with purpose, they're tangible. I am looking forward to completing The Year of Brittany. Whether you decide to think about the new year or decide to let it be - I hope you find much happiness in 2016.

Someday.

I realize it has been quite some time since I have visited and checked in, let alone write a little something. Last post, you all discovered my upcoming career move - a huge decision, which also happened to be my 30th birthday. It has been approximately a month and even though things are still a bit chaotic - you all deserve a little update...The hiatus is over - I'm back!!..(with a funky, fresh new look for my blog).

From the point of making the decision to leave not only my job, but my entire line of work - until the day I actually started my new job equaled 12 days exactly. They were the 12 most grueling days I think I've ever lived, and I've had some pretty rough times. That idle time made a mess of me. I stressed so much over my decision during that time. It really wore me down. I just wanted to jump to my first day so I could stop stirring over my decision...put some actual logic behind my emotions. I didn't even care if it was right or wrong actually - I just wanted feelings that were based on something real and not just thoughts. I was driving myself mad.

I sat in my living room on the eve of my first day and realized I felt nothing. All of the typical emotions you might feel under those circumstances: excitement, nervousness, anticipation, fear...very normal emotions...I felt none of those things. I only felt relieved that the crazy mess of a person I had become would finally move in one direction or another.

The morning arrived - I was starting a new job and I was a mess. I wasn't even nervous about the job, about my first day...I was just nervous that I "wasn't myself" - although I wasn't sure what "myself" felt like anymore. It wasn't a very good feeling to have on that day, a day I needed to be on my game.

My work has dominated my life. It was the biggest piece of me - the piece that really made me me...and then it was gone. I worked all.the.time. On paper, I worked 8:15-2:45pm. Most days, I would get home between 4pm-5pm. I would have supper and I would continue to work in the evenings. I was always trying to find new research, new methods, new resources, constantly communicating, brainstorming, stressing, convincing myself there is an answer, putting things together and squeezing in whatever I missed during the day. I could have worked 24/7 and still found more to do. I would do this until 9pm-10pm. Anything I was involved in (Girl Guides, Library events) really got the short end of the stick. I don't think people realized how much I lived and breathed my work. I loved it, I loved every minute of it -I thrived on knowing I was doing something good, that I was successful. My job was my life. Everything else got half fast parts of me. Friends, family, hobbies - if you can call them that. Work was my hobby. I tried different things, but I never committed because I would always make an excuse and stay home.

I need to be better at being more than work and doing things for me, that is something I hope to do with this job. But at that moment when I was lying wide awake in my bed realizing all that was gone, I panicked. I knew that person, I knew her very well. I knew the routine, the expectations, the abilities, the goals. I woke up - brand new 30 year old me and I was supposed to be this whole new person. I was supposed to feel amazing. I might be - someday. But I really needed that on that day, and not only did I not have it - but I didn't even recognize myself.

My career is gone and I'm not sure who I am without it. I'm not sure to expect from here on out, who I could be or if I will even enjoy this person. There was just too much unknown during that time. I'm not big on the unknown...anytime.

The next 2.5 weeks flew by. Ya know, I really enjoy this thing they call the insurance business lol.  I'm busy learning and being challenged all day and studying for my insurance broker exam in the evenings, which I am so nervous about. In terms of the content of my job, I love it. However, it has been difficult for me. 

I worked in my previous field for over a decade. Even starting out in that field, I had worked with children and youth before as well as earned some education and knowledge to help me out. A lot of my work came naturally to me, but I also worked hard and excelled at any job I took on. I was a go to person in many of my positions. Most of the time, I don't feel very successful in life - except when it comes to work. I was very confident and successful at work. It was the one area where I felt I was doing something right. It was nice to have that. Maybe that's why I gave so much of myself to work. Now, suddenly - that is gone. I go to work and feel completely lost. I worry that I'm not catching on quick enough, that I'm not going to get it, that I'm going to fail this exam, that I've made such a big decision, such a big move and I will not find success again. I go home where I can't seem to find success either - not enough time, not enough money, not enough me. I have been really frustrated with myself. However, as I write and realize it has only been 2.5 weeks...I also realize I'm probably being too hard on myself.

It HAS only been 2.5 weeks...I need to accept that I can't just be good at everything. It will take time and a lot of hard work, but I CAN find success. I'm going to be a kick ass Insurance Broker - someday. Probably many, many somedays from now. But...someday lol.

Today.

Today, I turned 30.

Today, I also reflected back on this year and the hopes I had when starting this journey back in January. I said it would be the Year of Brittany. I haven't always stayed true to this concept, but I have certainly put more effort in than I normally would have. I look back and think about the goals I set, the progress I made and what I have left to accomplish before I head onto 31.

Today, my goals have suddenly changed. When I started this blog I was taking classes, pursuing my education degree and working in the school system. I wanted to make healthier choices and lose weight. I wanted to work on staying positive and feeling blessed, actually mapping out my goals and how to accomplish them as well as following through. So many things…

I have hit many brick walls this Summer. I have also had a few doors open for me. This week in particular has had many up's and down's. My emotions (yes, I do have some…) have been all over the place - quite literally.

Today, I turned 30 - and instead of having a giant birthday blow out or a weekend away before school begins…Today, after a terribly frustrating Summer...I made the decision to leave a job that I love.

If anyone had of asked me in June, I was going to be finishing my days at CICS. However, this was not a rash decision - with my new knowledge it was the right decision. I imagine it is easy to storm out of a job that you hate - slam the door, flip off your boss, whatever your go to gesture might be. But what about one that you don't hate?

This all just happened. So - the guilt, excitement, sadness, nervousness, intrigue, etc. has been condensed into a short period of time. If nothing else, today I feel relieved that the week has finally come to an end.

                                    

  
I have actively been a Child and Youth Care Worker for 10 years, and I've gone as far as this title will take me. I've been a personal care worker in group homes, for home support, as well as an autism treatment facility and then I was lucky to obtain a job in the school system- on a wing and a prayer. However, the first year was really difficult. But I survived! Only to discover my position was being cut. I was hired back for another position, but the capacity of my job changed. Then, more changes for 2015-16 school year. After 10 years of hard work and dedication to the field, as well as moving around - one would think I would be at the height of my career, but somehow I am moving backwards.                                      

I spent the Summer fighting tooth and nail for my future. The only way to move forward is to do what I was doing - build on my education and when I was finished, I would hopefully have more opportunities to feel professionally fulfilled. Upon discovering I could not be approved for additional student loans, I had to face the realization that this was it for me and my career. I'm 30 - probably 30 years away from retiring. Can I really be happy for 30 more years, knowing I can't continue to grow? Not me personally. I lived and breathed my job...my circle of friends stemmed from my job...it has not just been a job to me - but who I am as a person. I'm very emotionally invested…but the fact is that someone will step up to the plate and everything will be okay. I'll be okay, they'll be okay. We all just might even turn out better than okay.

It has taken me all Summer to accept this fate - to accept that after 10 years in this field, working hard and hopefully making a difference somewhere along the way - that I've come to a dead end. Do I sit at my dead end until the end of my days? Or do I want to go back and try a new destination?

Today, I started on that path to a new destination. The only thing that is constant in life is change - someone said that. I should google it and make a proper reference, but this week has been mental exhausting and I can't be bothered. This field is all I've ever known, all I've ever done. Change is scary, going into the unknown is nerve wracking, saying good-bye is hard…But I know my value and what I have to bring to the table and I have more to give - somewhere.

We all deserve to be happy - and I think we should continue to make changes - no matter how frequent - in order to find it. Today, I turned 30 and today I made a life changing decision.

                    

Right to Bare Arms

I had missed about a month of TOPS meetings and when I finally was able to return, I had the very unpleasant experience of having gained 6.8lbs. As you read last week, this was terribly disappointing.  But, it was of my own doing.

This Wednesday, I had a pleasant surprise at TOPS. I lost 5lbs. and was loser of the week! I have almost lost what I had gained during my hiatus. I joined TOPS in mid January, and although I have lost weight - I seem to lose small amounts consistently and never have big weeks. So, this was my first time being loser of the week. I was excited, but at the same time - shocked.

I hadn't really worked for it. While I am not as off track as I have been for the past 4 weeks (if not more) I certainly wasn't working as hard as I had February, March or April. I've been yanging and yanging about needing to get back on track. Little things here and there have encouraged me to do so, but apparently not enough to actually do it - until now.  That 5lb. loss and loser of the week have me motivated and kicking ass again.

The house is full of fresh fruits and vegetables. I dug out my water jug. I signed into My Fitness Pal  and most importantly I got off my ass and got going.

I'd love to really kick ass and get back to my 30lbs. this week. But, that's a bit unrealistic, so I am just going to work my ass off and see what happens. I am back on my 4 step plan - sleep, exercise, healthy eating and water.

My orthopedic surgeon said no more running, which I initially was quite sad about - because I really enjoyed it. After I thought about it, the parts I enjoy the most involve the peace and quiet of it all. I am sure I can enjoy the same aspects with a brisk walk, with less impact on my knee. I also want to incorporate some strength and target some areas of concern. 

For example, I am very strange about clothing. I typically have on multiple layers. A tank top, a shirt and a sweater - always. For some reason, I feel more comfortable this way. As if being physically covered makes me emotionally covered...less exposed. I am so anxious about social situations and these little things somehow help.

But it is too damn hot to live this way, and I have a right to bare arms - sweaters are just not possible at this time. It's time to go sleeveless, and I need to be comfortable. So, I am starting an arm work out plan. I'm going to do it every other night for 6 weeks and see what happens. Tonight, my left arm is measuring at 15 inches and my right arm is measuring at 16 inches. I'm excited to see the difference in 6 weeks.

I am also excited about another potential progression. When we attended the Eric Church concert something exciting happened...I purchased a female shirt from merch. What's so exciting about that? Well, as a plus size lady - I have never been able to buy a female shirt at a concert. They're typical made small and may only be available in large or extra large, much too small for me. I usually have to purchase uni-sex or male clothing at events.

This was a prime moment for me in this journey. However, the shirt does not fit as comfortably as I would like, a little snug for my personal preference. You may recall, back in June I said I didn't want to focus on numbers quite so much. Instead, I wanted be a good example and focus on making healthy life style choices and being a good person - because that's what matters. So, for the 6 weeks that I work on my arms, I am also going to forget about the numbers. Instead, I am going to focus on making healthy choices, being a good person AND feeling good (aka comfortable). My hope is that in 6 weeks, this shirt will make me feel better than it did when I purchased it.

The countdown is still on...30 is creeping up and I am eager to see what I can do in the next 39 days. 

Let's Play Ball

Long ago - back when I started this journey as well as this blog, I vowed it was going to be all about me and I was going to focus on what I needed to do. Man, I suck. I haven't been very good at that - especially lately.

I never really did get it...but then there was end of school year craziness, moving right into celebration chaos. To make matters worse, I just continue to take on tasks that throw a curveball directly at my routine. I am a creature of habit - I do not do well out of my routine, and since I know this, I need to consider this when making the decision to take things on. Right now, I NEED my routine. I need to think...How will this change my routine? Can I readjust? How will I do that? Is that something I will actually follow through with? Do I just need to say no? I have not been following this thought process.

I'm sure everyone can have a selfish bone when it comes to something, at least one thing. But most of the time, I am a yes girl - regardless of how badly it detours me from my own life. I typically will change it up - however, whenever, whatever. Whatever anyone needs, I'll do it. Whatever I can do to help, I'm there. Obviously, these are probably good qualities. But right now is not the time - I need to have a selfish summer - what do I need, what will help me? I keep thinking about how things need to change. I've been off track for too long. Days just kept going by and no changes have been made. 

The Bay of Fundy International Marathon couldn't have rolled around at a better time. Many of my readers are probably local - and therefore, know all about this event. But let me recap for you. The BFIM is an amazing experience. This is the 3rd "marathon" to take place and I've volunteered at all three. It has become one of my favorite days of the year and one of my favorite events to take place locally. I say "marathon" because this event includes a full marathon, half marathon, 10k and children's fun run. Something for all ages and abilities!

My first year, I stopped by and helped at a water station that my cousin had organized. It was so
much fun! In your head, it seems like a long time and you assume it will be monotonous - standing in one area, pinching your little paper cup, shouting "Water, Water" or "Gatorade, Gatorade". But it is so much more! Even though they're running by, there is so much interaction and so much hype - the time flies by and you are left at the end of the day a much happier person.

 

Year 2, I worked bib pick-up and organized a water station. I will not go into details about how absolutely amazing bib pick-up is...getting to greet, meet and chat with each runner...learn where they're from, their story, their goals...I fear that if I express the awesomeness of bib pick-up, someone will try to steal this job from me and I.WILL.TAKE.YOU.DOWN.

Bay of Fundy International Marathon...Check it out: Here.

This current year, I worked registration as well as course marshall, helping to guide the runners in the right direction. It's amazing how the runners take the time to personally thank you for coming out and volunteering. They're so appreciative and humble. Here I am, just standing on a line, pointing in the correct direction while these guys are running 26.2 miles for crying out loud!! If you have yet to volunteer for this incredible event, mark it on your to do list...you will not regret it. "We" need all the extra's we can get to help cheer them along and reach their goal. It's far more important than you realize.

Not only is the marathon amazing for all of the reasons above, but it also gives you a big boost. Like I said, you leave this event a happier and better person. Satisfaction guaranteed! Once again, BFIM  perked me up and I have redeemed my motivation. The fun is over, it's time to pull it together. We had practically 700 runners who find the time and gumption to train and run these marathons - so there are no excuses. I've been negligent. 

Now that we have July 1st and 4th behind us, I have to put an end to this. I have a goal and I have a deadline and I DO have the time, I just need to keep it that way. No more interferences. Time to focus on the end game.

I stepped on the scale today...and it is NOT pretty. Not only have I gained - but I gained several pounds, pushing me further from my goal. I am really angry with myself. My goal was very tangible, but I lost sight and unfortunately, I don't think I have enough time to recover my losses and reach my goal.

I can't let that bring me down. It is what it is. I messed up. But, that doesn't mean I have to give up. So, it's game time. Let's play ball!!

The Streak

"Oh yes, they call her the streak..." No, No... Don't worry! There will be no streaking in my near future. I hope that hasn't made some of you weary of reading this post. Do I have any Grey's Anatomy fans out there? If so, you know Miss Meredith Grey was on a streak! She hadn't lost a patient in 89 surgeries, or some similarly miraculous number. While discussing roll call, gains/losses and how many meetings we have had at TOPS - I was checking my weigh-in book and discovered I'm on my own streak. We have had 11 meetings, 10 weigh-ins and not a single gain. Some weeks are bigger than others - but whether it's 0.1, 1.0 or 10.0 (yea, right!) - I have not gained since January 14th. I am pretty excited about this discovery...and I too, wanted to tell about my streak.

During this process, I've been working hard to figure out once and for all what works for me. It's been pretty evident I've been a bit all over the place trying to do so. I've tried it all over the years...and nothing has ever really stuck. I hear people carry on and on about loving this and couldn't be without that. I have to tell ya...that has never happened for me. It's has always been a struggle...
every.damn.day.

Not one aspect did I find enjoyable or even tolerable. This journey has been by far the most successful - the longest I've ever stuck with anything, and in result, we have...the streak! In the past, I was waiting and waiting for that "loving it" mentality and it just didn't come. Even into week 6...7... 8...of this journey, I was having to force myself through. We had our 10th weigh-in Wednesday and I am JUST now starting to have that feel good attitude.

Awhile back I had placed 30 work out visuals in my living room, after reading that it takes 21 days to create a habit. Perhaps that is true for some, or even most...but it was not true for me. Even after seeing a 10 lb. loss...15 lb. loss and heading into my 20 lb. loss - I was waiting for the feeling to come over me. However, I wasn't shouting from the root tops by any stretch of the imagination.

We're into Week 11, and I'm just getting there. I'm finally finalizing a schedule that I naturally want to commit to and don't have to argue with myself repeatedly. I am finally completing work outs and meals with that feelin' good attitude. I just want to sing "Can't Touch This". I don't even know why, just have the urge lol. No matter what goes on in my day - I'm happy. I'm coping and I'm productive. I had a fair amount of patience before, but it is much improved. In my line of work - that's terribly important. Now, here I am, down another 1.2 lbs this week...sitting between my 20 and 25 pound weight loss and I can finally say I feel it. I'm on a streak...and I feel it!!

I'm still keepin' it real, though...I still have my Wednesday night binge. Then, I wake up Thursday morning and I'm back at it! As many times as I've attempted this weight loss, I sadly can say that I've never really felt committed or habitual in any aspect...let alone obsessive. I do have an obsessive personality, I'm actually quite obsessive in several other aspects of my life. Probably too many to be mentally healthy lol. However, becoming obsessive in the world of healthy living has never been a concern. I have finally found (and who would have thought it would be a good thing) another obsession....

Meet my  FitBit Charge...

Although we already know I fell in love with my morning workouts, I definitely can pay gratitude to the FitBit for keeping that going. In order to hit those daily goals...I need that workout. I am obsessed! I check this thing several times a day. I'm completely committed to hitting those daily goals, even if it means I have to run in place at the Hannaford's check out (Sorry, Courty!) It tracks my sleeping patterns (which is as bad as I thought it was - averaging 2-5 hours of sleep each night), steps, miles and calories burned. It also has a section for stairs - but I don't track that as I don't have stairs at home or work. My main daily goal I have set as steps. It vibrates once I hit my goal. I also have an alarm set, so it vibrates each morning at 5:30am. If I am going to hit that step goal, I need to turtle.

Yes, I call it turtling. People will say, "Did you go for your run this morning?" Let's not get carried away and call it a run, it's pretty far from that. I lightly jog 1/2 of the 3k. Maybe 3/4 on a good day. When I say lightly jog, I mean it resembles a turtle crawling through molasses. Yes I know it's a start, it counts and all that jazz - I'm not putting myself down...Just keepin' it real, as you know.

I understand these devices can be pricey - mine happened to be a gift. However, it is well worth the money! It is key to keeping me on track, along with my TOPS meeting and this blog. If my streak continues, I owe a lot of appreciation to these three things.

My Beast is A Badass

A teacher friend of mine shared a quote that has helped me find my inspiration this week...

It's true. Life is hard, and you need to push yourself a little. For most, there is no coasting through. There is especially no coasting if you genuinely want to accomplish anything. This has been an adventure so far, and hopefully will continue to be - and it certainly has been difficult at times.

Growing up, my mother had this magnet on the fridge, that was in the shape of a pig and stated "I ate my will power." Back then, I probably did not fully comprehend this joke, because I didn't find it funny or fridge worthy. However, just the other day I was crackin' will power jokes and remembered this not-so-worthy magnet. Suddenly, I understood the humour. I have absolutely no will power. It is quite possible that I did indeed eat it during one of my binges.

I have no idea how someone can have so much ambition and work ethic in certain areas and be lacking so much in will power when it comes to eating right and working out. But that is me, in a nut shell. If it is in the house, I am going to eat it - probably ALL of it. Make myself work out? Ha! I think I am missing a will power gene. I think I replaced the will power gene with an excuse fabrication gene.

So let's see...lack of will power, amazing ability to develop excuses...I can pretty much envision how I got here. But, I think I see changes on the horizon!

Me: I have this little headache I can't get rid of.
Her: Huh, wonder why.
Me: Probably from coughing all day long.
Her: Probably.
Me: Weird I just have this cough I can't get rid of.
Her: It has been a few weeks.
Me: I know....
Her: Ebola, maybe? Are your eyeballs bleeding?
Me: Not that I recall...I'm seeing pretty clearly.

This is what I deal with! On a serious note, I have had this great excuse for a couple of weeks, now. No...not Ebola - I have a cough. Yes, a cough. Normally, I'd tell myself, "You should really rest"..."You must be fighting something off"..."You don't want it to get worse." While this is all somewhat true, normally I would take that to mean I need to lay in bed for days and binge watch Netflix. I tend to take things to the extreme, remember?...But, not this time!

Do any of these statements sound familiar? "I will never get up early and work out, so I'm not going to claim to do that"..."I'm going to be honest and realistic so these changes can be long term." Probably - because I think I've mentioned them every blog! I know you're all nodding like the SNL Roxbury skit. Again, there is truth to these statements but that does not mean I need to be so extreme about it.

I'm all about keeping it real - know your strengths, know your weaknesses - work with them. For instance, I accept that it is likely I will never have a thigh gap. I have a better chance of my legs molding together and transforming into a mermaid tale. I'm just keepin' it real! I THOUGHT I was keeping it real when I claimed I could not do morning work outs. However, I have some new advice: Try anything once. Because I have seen the light!

It only took that one morning for me to fall in love with my morning work out. Now, each morning I am rearing and ready to go...and when it's not fit to go, I'm totally ticked off! I know it would not be very wise for me to head out while the snow plows are running - ending ass over tea kettle in a snow bank will not help my cause. When Tuesday morning rolled around - I'm so excited and ready for it, I was tossing and turning in my bed, watching the clock. The alarm finally goes off at 5:45am, I roll out of bed, pull on my clothes, lace up my sneakers and I'm off. Just me and the road.

I can't even look at weather reports at this point..not because I'm sick of snow, or worried about snow, but because I will be terribly irritated if I think I can't hit the road in the morning. When I'm out there, when I'm going - I'm a different person. I'm confident. I'm able. I push myself. I don't give up or give in. I run until I feel like I can't breath, then I walk until I can, run until I can't breath, walk until I can...and you get the picture. I don't feel like I'm on display. Each day I go a little further and a little further. I don't let anything stop me - I think this is what they refer to as "beast mode".

Back when I was a Pinterester - and not a doer (now I'm both) I would read t-shirts, ads, slogans, quotes, etc. referring to "beast mode". Quite frankly, I hated the term. I certainly did not want to think of myself as a beast while I was working out. Since I'm 5'8, pretty round with a giant head, I already feel like an ogre 90% of the time - I certainly did not want to refer to myself as a beast.

However, I have embraced the term!...and my beast is a badass! It only took me that one morning to get hooked. Not only did I find my beast, but I actually LIKE my beast...oh, and did I mention she's a badass? And this badass beast lost 3.2lbs this week and finally crossed the 20lb. loss finish line!

With 162 days left to go, I have embraced my inner beast. So, even if you're POSITIVE you will not like it (as I was) just try it once to be sure. You may be surprised - you may even find your inner beast.

The Struggle is Real!

Let's recap the last week:
- Post March Break
- Time Change
- Progress??

One of these things just doesn't belong!... Most time changes and transitions do not affect me. However, I think this past week was a clear sign of aging. The return to school as well as the time change did quite a number on me. I could barely hold my head up after work. Yet, when I went to go to bed I was wide awake and slept really poorly. If this sounds like a disaster, that is because it WAS! The struggle is real, folks! Yet somehow, I managed to find some exercise success. I'm random like that.

If you've been reading along, you're aware that exercise is my downfall. Like many, I have limited time to fit it in. This week I'm down another 1.6lbs. I felt like I had a good week and honestly was expecting a better result of my good work outs and eating. But, I recognize that there were a few downfalls as well such as not getting enough fibre, not sleeping much and exercise inconsistencies last week. Magically, I manage to prioritize everything else before my exercise routine...

"Oh, I need to get the Girl Guides schedule done."

"Geez, I really should read this Chapter today, I might not have time tomorrow."

"The library needs that mail out down ASAP."

The work out piece of my puzzle is where I'm continuously trying to improve and progress. I love all of the extras I am involved in, and I've already cut back significantly - and somehow still need to make some changes. I'm half way there, but I really need to let go and cross the finish line.  

I receive a lot of invites and encouragement - So what's the problem, here? 

I have a complex about working out with people or around people. Let's just be honest - I'm a giant complex! I'm a total nut case, and I know it! LOL. I'm not going to tell you my sad sob story - but for a variety of reasons, I am pretty insecure. I am always being invited to go kayaking, walk local trails, etc. I always have a perfect excuse to excuse myself from such invites that push me outside of my comfort zone. Even with the best of my friends, I am very self-conscious. I avoid most and many events/activities. If we've been asked to go out, I will get showered, do my hair, make-up and once it's time to get dressed and leave...insert full blown meltdown here. 

Insecure. Uncomfortable. Anxious. Self-Conscious. However you want to classify it - it keeps me from a lot of things. If I am going to really do this - I need cardio. I am getting some in, but I need more and I need it more consistently. Since I struggle to do cardio on my own at home, the best idea is to attend classes, go with a group, have fun and support each other. But given my complex - this is very difficult.

All along I have said I'm doing this realistically. I'm not going to try to do things I know I cannot stick with. One of these things being early morning workouts - knowing darn well I would never do it, let alone be consistent with it. 

Contrary to everything I have said, last night I told myself I would get up early and go for a walk before work. I've said this 100 times, have I ever followed through? Uh no. Which is why I know not to even joke about it. But by golly, I did it!

That's right, this morning I woke up at 6am and walked/jogged my little hiney up and down the road. It was a horrible day for it, too. Windy. Cold. Icy. Dark. It was also AWESOME.

No joke.

Even though icicles were forming off my fingertips, the rest of me was fine. Normally I'm so anxious while working out - even walking. As people drive by, I wonder what they're thinking, what they're saying - "There is that Brittany Rice walking, what a joke." It was dark. It was quiet. It was just me and the road. I dare say it was peaceful, and none of that stress was there. When I got to work, I was chipper, eager and had a great, positive day. This could be a coincidence - but it just seems that it was a great booster. I'm not saying it will ever happen again. But I sure do hope so. I'd like to think I could test the theory. Even though I had a very close encounter with the garbage truck - Success #1 of the week - Check!

 Pre-Morning Work Out..."Am I reallly doing this?" Face

Post-Morning Work Out..."OMG, I did it!" Frosty Face

Success #2? On Sunday, I broke the work-out-in-public-ice. Some members of my TOPS group attend a Drums Alive class. It sounded like something I would really enjoy, and I was interested, but I was also extremely nervous. I said I would go. However, Sunday rolled around I was hesitating. Becca said "You're going!". All day - she told me I was going and I was going to be fine and I was going to enjoy it. 

As the time crept up, I started to get panicky. I started pacing. Naturally, I couldn't find my favourite sneaks - so I couldn't go. I was at my breakdown point, so no other shoes would do. I wasn't going. 

Fast forward 20 minutes - Found my shoes! But I'm already doubting the entire thing, I'm pacing, I'm stressing...I'm not going. When the time came, Becca pushed me out through the door. As soon as I jumped in the vehicle, I had to put on my game face.   

We arrive. We sign in. We set up. We begin. 

Within 15 minutes I'm going through the actions and I've pushed everything else aside. I really did enjoy the class...and now that I've broke the ice, I really need to make a challenge of committing to this class and attending regularly so I can overcome these anxieties. Then, maybe I can progress onto another class and hopefully I will begin to feel more comfortable with myself and it will spread to other situations.

I've lived a life of downfalls. I can honestly say this journey has had as many ups as downs - even if they're equal, that is success to me. The struggle may be real, but with 166 days to go, I think I can honestly say I will be thirty and...balanced.

Do The Do-Over

How is it that when you actually and finally have nothing to do, all you can do is nothing? And, when you have something(s) to do, you tend to do everything? Hold on...let me explain. I've commented on this before. When I have a day - which is few and far between - where I have nothing on my plate and I can therefore create my own schedule for the day and do what I need to do...a perfect day to get in my work outs and plan meals, I don't. I end up doing nothing at all. However, when I have a jam packed day - work, school, Girl Guides, Cheer...I am more inclined to squeeze something into every last possible minute and push my time to the extreme, acting like a nut case along the way.

Since I live in NB, Canada, students and staff of the school system have a week off. Perfect!

Miss Rice Last Week:
"I'm going to work out twice per day."
"I think I'll plan ahead a bit, make up some meal plans."
"I can't wait to research some new recipes."
"I'm kind of happy I can't afford a vacation, then I don't have to worry about vacation weight gain!"

Wrong.

Miss Rice This Week:
"Man, I have eaten like I was on vacation!"
"Geez, I've fallen off the wagon a bit."
"Have I worked out at all this week?"
"What are we going to have for supper?"

Yet, I guarantee that when I'm back at it full force next week, I'll be juggling it all (like a boss). I guess I just love the chaos.

The last few weeks, I've been waiting for my plateau to strike. I've been very concerned about having to mutter, "I gained". I REALLY thought this week was going to be my first gain and I (Hallelujah!) stayed the same! Phew.

There is nothing wrong with gaining. Inevitably, it is going to happen to all of us at some point. At times, I think it would be nice to just get it over with. My losses have been dwindling down, I did not lose this week - which means a gain may be just around the corner. I know the level of will power I have (or don't have). After that first gain, that first defeat - I fall apart. It has been 7 weeks, I have not gained yet, but I must keep plugging away because I still don't feel like I could personally overcome a gain quite yet. It's time for "the change".

I know many of my supporters are in this same boat. I hear from so many of you personally (which I love). I've received so many great messages from people who love the blog, who feel inspired and those who message to support me. One common thing I hear is that they have hit their plateau, they are not seeing any weight loss, etc.  You, too are ready for "the change". Don't doubt, do the do-over!

When working with students, and we happen to make a wrong choice, we have the chance to apologize and do a do-over. Adults can do the do-over, too! Sometimes, we hit a rut and our body needs us to change it up...so we do the do-over!

Things we need to NOT change: tracking and drinking water.
It's really difficult to keep up with this, but if you are not tracking OR if you have started to slack on your tracking - get with it! There is nothing wrong with writing it down in a notebook or journal, but I strongly suggest using an online program such as My Daily Plate, My Fitness Pal or one of the many others available. Why you ask? Because not only does it make it easy to be accurate, but it also helps track individual nutrients (sodium, proteins, carbs) which I find equally as important as calories.

Things we need to change:
Food
Look back through your logs, reinvent, what seemed to work, what didn't? Sometimes we take it too far. We drastically change our ways and it's not realistic. Think about the foods you like, the foods you enjoy and think of healthy ways to reinvent them instead of cutting them out. Make sure you're not too far under - those goals are set for a reason! I've recently had that problem (barely hitting 1000 calories when I need 1900).

Exercise
I easily get bored with exercise. Especially if I pick a program I want to follow - such as the Gillian Michael's videos, Couch to 5k, etc. I have to change it up. I understand those programs are good if you're looking at specific goals - such as running a 5k. However - I'm not working towards anything like that currently. I just want creative ways to burn calories. I keep a list of my cardio and strength options. A lot of times, I am looking for something quick and will resort to YouTube for some Zumba exercises or jump on the treadmill. I also have Pinterest workouts for the exercise ball, kettle bell, dumbbell and medicine ball. When I'm in a rut or "don't feel like it" I pick a new work out to change it up. While I did not exercise as I should have been, especially for being on break - I did borrow some snow shoes and took on one of the fabulous local trails. I also laced up the skates and checked out the new rink. My favourite kind of work outs - the kind that don't feel like work outs!

 Snow Shoeing Selfies! 

Have a bad day.
Say whaaaat? Sometimes you just need to have a bad day - get it over with. I personally think that by depriving yourself - your setting yourself up for failure. Again - be realistic. If possible, purchase individual treats instead of boxes, so you don't over indulge. But let yourself have bad days here and there (controlled bad days).

Reward yourself
Maybe with a bad day...maybe with something else. Set a goal, find a reward and follow through.

I've already started. I've let myself have a bad day, I've found some new exercises (I am going to attend a Drums Alive class next Sunday) and I'm always reinventing recipes. So far, I've rewarded myself with treats each Wednesday.

Seriously, you should be here on a Wednesday or Thursday night...it's scary. Tonight, we stopped at a local convenience store for some scrumptious Sweet Chili Chicken Fingers. Normally, we record all of our shows and I can't recall the last time we watched a commercial. We were loving on those chicken fingers so intensely - there was no time to skip the commercials.

I hit my 15lb. mark last week, 20 lbs is hiding out somewhere nearby, so I think it's time to think big - think beyond Sweet Chilli Chicken Fingers lol.

I never go anywhere, and that's something I'm trying to work on (life is too short!). So, I have booked a night away Easter weekend. I've invited Becca to make her own goal and join me. Originally, I made a goal of losing 30lbs. by our April 1st meeting (14.4lbs, 4 weeks). I have everyone freaked out, as they feel it's too big of a goal and I'm setting myself up for failure. I appreciate their concern, but I've put lots of thought into it.

If I set a 25lb. goal - that's realistic yes, but I wouldn't need to push myself in order to reach it. However, 30lbs. I would, and that's what I need. This get away includes - a themed room at the Best Western which includes a massage chair, fire place and jacuzzi! As well as an afternoon at A Body in Knead Spa and for the finale, a new tattoo! It's probably ALL going on a credit card, but it is definitely worth the fight. Since there is so much concern, I've contemplated having 25lbs. earn my the night at the hotel, 28lbs. earning the spa day and 30lbs. earning the tattoo. But I really think I just want to go for it - commit to the 30lb. loss and really challenge myself. I need to kick my own ass, and dammit - I want that getaway - It will really hurt to call and cancel.

14.4lbs, 28 days. Come on everyone...cheer me on!!

Like a boss...

Last Wednesday, at our Girl Guide meeting we worked towards the Key to I Can Badge. We painted aprons, worked on a Unit Cookbook and we also read Enemy Pie. We finished up by making our own our own "Enemy Pie" which we decided should really be called "Friendship Pie".

Naturally...there were leftovers! Eeek! Thankfully, it was weigh-in day, which helped fight the temptation to dabble in the goodies. However, Treat Thursday was just around the corner. I am an expert at developing "rationale" for anything I want. "I'll take excuses for 300, Alex..."

Therefore, I used the remaining items to create a parfait - layer of graham cracker crumbs, pudding middle, little more graham cracker crumbs, whip cream, caramel drizzle and cookie crumble topping. This is not something I would have ever put in my mouth before. I hate pie. I hate pudding.

Yet, I drooled over this dessert and then shoveled it aboard me...like a BOSS!

It's so funny that once you cut a few things out, absolutely anything is good. It reminded of my Boston trip train bagel - best damn bagel EVAH! I mean - who doesn't love a bagel that has been sealed in a plastic bag for god knows how long, toasted in who knows what kind of compact technology on this mini diner cart using a reusable, who knows what has been on there tinfoil tray. Yummers! But I'm tellin' ya...best bagel EVAH. I put that thing away - you guessed it - like a BOSS.

I also completed the Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred video...Mmhmmm...like a BOSS!

Confession: I have had this video for awhile. I have tried it here and there, and never been able to finish it. I get frustrated with not being able to complete the exercises properly or accurately, and use this as an excuse to quit. For some reason, I never had the will power to continue and ultimately finish the work out. If I didn't have another single success this week, I would still be happy to only announce that I finished this work out!

But, it did not start off so promising. Becca popped that video in and I will be honest - I was lying on the couch protesting.

But, she got my ass up and going. A few minutes in, Becca and I are moving and grooving - I'm starting to feel it, I'm getting pumped up...
Me: This isn't so bad!
Her: Uh..this is only the warm up.
Me: Oh.

Things improved, though. I really was enjoying how the video was set up:
cardio-strength-abs-repeat.

And then...
Jillian: Are you feeling it? I'm feeling it!
Me: Are you kidding, Jillian? I've done more of these exercises than you have...you keep wandering off to talk to your friends!

Come on lady, get with it! I wanna see you do it, if you're going to be telling me I can do it! She continues to provide "reassurance" that it's only 20 minutes.

Bullpucky!
We hit the 15 minute mark...Woohoo! Light at the end of the tunnel.
20 minutes...we're still going?! WTF, Jillian!
23 minutes...Forget you Jillian, you said this work out was 20 minutes!
25 minutes...Hallelujah! I survived.

We're finished. Ya know, Jillian...you should really add that the warm up is not included in that 20 minute time frame.

But...I did it. I finally finished this video, and somewhat successfully I might add. I did follow the modified version. For some exercises that included putting pressure on my knees, I used my exercise ball. At times, I even modified the modification. But I did it, and I will do it again, and again, and again. Until I don't have to modify the modification. Until I don't have to modify at all! Gotta start somewhere, right?

I also managed to have a decent weigh-in this week. I had another commitment on Wednesday as well as a snow day. Thinking I would not be weighing in, I had a nice big breakfast, a big lunch - and then my meeting was canceled! Oh dear. Naturally, I said "I'll skip, I'm not prepared." But Becca reminded me of my own advice: FAM. I just had to face it, accept it and move on.

So I went to weigh-in, fairly certain I would gain and managed to lose 1.2 - even with my excessive eating that day.

I am officially down 15.6lbs. Now I am working towards my 20lb. loss (within 2 weigh-ins, on March 11/15). Small goals work well for me - start somewhere, right? Modify the modification if you have to - but set yourself up for success.