Leading the Pack

I'm sure most of you realize this by now, but it's 2016. My 2016 sure had an interesting beginning. I provide local dog sitting services. I got up this morning and went to do my rounds. I arrived at a clients home who happen to have a surveillance system, which they can check from their phone. I was playing ball with one of their pooches and when she went in for her landing, her paw caught my pants and took them down with her. So, 2016 started off with me...ass to the wind - literally. Awesome. I hope this is no indication of how the remainder of the year will go.

Some people put a lot of thought into reflecting on the previous year and preparing for the new year. Some feel that setting resolutions is foolishness. I am indifferent. I think if you need that "reset" for yourself - go ahead - set goals, think about how you want to change/improve or things you would like to experience. If you personally feel it's hogwash and you shouldn't feel the need to change or things are just great the way that they are...that's cool, too. Some years I didn't give it a thought. I don't feel that not participating left me without accomplishments. In more recent years, I have paid more attention to how things went and how I want them to go. Mainly because I'm a goal setter by nature. I've come to realize I need goals to keep me in line. I even set goals at work...to get this done by 10am, that done by 3:30pm. It's just the way I function. I agree with the saying...you can't go back and make a brand new start, but you can start and make a brand new ending. To me, that's what the new year is about. How do I feel about where I'm heading? Do I need to make any changes before I get to my ending? If life is to end here...now...how do I feel about that?

It is not always going to be sunshine and rainbows. So naturally, 2015 had highs and lows. That's life. It definitely provided some unexpected turns. Ya know, I don't even know if I could call them turns - I pretty much jumped the track. But, I did good.

I wanted to give 100% to my classes, but didn't get to return to school.
I wanted to lose 50lbs and lost 30.
I finished 2 big projects for the house.
I had certain tasks for work, and I ultimately selected a different career.
I did slow down but still need to work on aspects of that one because I really just like staying home now.
I surprised myself on several occasions.

Not too shabby.

I'm definitely not the same person I was when this year started. In 2014, I felt I was living a life that wasn't realistic. I was experiencing life at several WTFs per hour. Instead of continuing to deplete myself, make poor choices and conceal my plethora of emotions - I faced the chaos. I still have some things to tend to...but overall I squeezed a lot into my year. I made some big changes and took charge of my life. I want more of that in 2016.

I said 30 was going to be The Year of Brittany, and I was going to do what I needed to do for me. Technically, I'm still 30..and I have until August to finish this shit up. However, I can't be disappointed at all with what I have accomplished since last January. Over 2015, I realized...

- A bad day is just a bad day - not a bad life.
- Who you were doesn't matter - just who you are.
- No matter what happens at the end of the day, every morning the sun still comes up.
- Wearing lipstick gives you confidence. 
- Honor the body you've been given and take care of it.
- Stop reading books you don't like - there is no point to this. There are so many books out there you will like and will never get to...don't waste time on ones you don't like. Needing to finish is a stupid rule. 
- Produce feelings, it's okay.
- You will always find an excuse to not exercise after work - so do it before.
- Laugh at yourself.
- Stop worrying. The bad things you worry over are not the bad things that actually end up happening. You will never be prepared, so just stop worrying.
- Be money wise.
- Find a hobby.
- If you don't want to go, don't go. It's okay to go out...but it's okay to stay home, too.
- Take risks, bet on yourself.
- Dancing can fix any mood. So can singing. Sing when you're sad, sing when you're happy.
- Make people work for your affection, you deserve to be swooned.
- Don't give up...good things are out there, pretty great things can happen if you give it a chance.
- Caring for yourself is not self-indulgent.
- Life is tough, darling...but so are you.

Going into 2016 my goals are pretty similar - get back on track with blogging, get back on track with living a healthier life style for my body and mind and complete my little projects, of course. In addition, I want to continue to do more for me and the people important to me...stop giving so much of myself to things that do not serve a purpose or are not appreciated. I want to read more books, take more photos and focus on work. My 2016 motto is going to be...choose joy! I think the last major change that needs to be made is to filter out the negatives. Things are good for me, right now and I need to feel that...I need to choose joy.

I feel good about 2016, I feel good about these goals - they're with purpose, they're tangible. I am looking forward to completing The Year of Brittany. Whether you decide to think about the new year or decide to let it be - I hope you find much happiness in 2016.

The Ole Grey Mare...

So, I have established several times that I turned 30...and yes, I knew this would bring some changes. However, I did not expect to become OLD overnight. There had been some things here and there which were making me feel a wee bit aged, but for the most part I thought I was still doing good.

No, no. I was blind, but now I see! Let me give you example number one...

I have these ridiculous lists I have to make in order to accomplish anything. They can be quite extensive. Unfortunately, if it is not on the list it is not going to be completed. For some reason I am having trouble remembering my medication. This is a big no-no. Put it on your list, you say? That's it - I can't even remember to put it on my list. I obviously have this medication prescribed for a reason, and therefore need to be taking it regularly. When I forget, it gives me a terrible headache - not to mention the lack of pain relief throughout the day. I hate having things out on my counters and I try to keep them clear of randomness (this is my OCD). But if I put them in a cupboard, I don't remember to take them. So, I compromised by putting them on the counter in the master bathroom, but I never remembered to take them there either. At one point I put them in my lunch kit, and when I had my 10am break each morning I would get into my lunch kit to get my snack and I would remember. It was perfect...but now I am at a different job and no longer have to take a lunch. I have tried keeping them in my bag, in my car...but if they're out of sight, they're out of mind...until I start to physically feel it. By then, it's too late. When I do happen to remember my pills exist, I can't remember when I took them and when I didn't. Did I take my pill this morning? Did I take my pills tonight? I'm 30 and senile. In the efforts of finding solutions to these problems, I purchased this...

Thirty and...using a pill dispenser. This $5 case has made me suddenly feel 70 years old. Now I just have to remember to fill it.

Medications are not the only thing I have been forgetting. Which leads me to example number 2.  Normally, everything has a place in my world. But it seems that I can't find anything lately. Bank card, keys, cell phone...I can't seem to leave the house with all 3. Since I need the keys to physically leave, that is usually the one item I do have. When I do manage to remember my cell phone, I typically forget it wherever I have gone - leaving it at work, my sisters, etc. I have yet to leave it at the Wal-Mart, so it could be worse.  There have been a few full days and early mornings for me lately, and I do my best to get ready the night before but I still manage to forget the items I put aside on the table, bar or counter top. My biggest problem is that when I plug in my cell phone, I forget to get it and put it in my bag. But then I discovered - anything that I need to remember to put in my bag in the morning I put with my bra. Because somehow I do manage to remember that each day. So, when I go to put on my bra, I see it and put it in my bag. Problem solved. Well, the problem of leaving items behind. But, is my solution a problem of its own? Before long my bra will be with my cell phone, my pants in the fridge with my snack and my medication with my shoes. When I start to forget things like my bra...we have a real problem.

So, now that we have me dressed, packed and medicated - I need to manage to keep up with the times. I give you...example number three. The final example and really, all the example I need to prove my point. I'm scrolling through my FaceBook one evening and there's this funny little video and it's titled Netflix and Chill. Hahahaha, it was so funny - I'm going to share it ...TO REBECCA'S WALL. The next day there is another funny little Netflix and Chill post and I share that one as well, and another, and another. I love to Netflix and Chill. Sometime down the line, I scroll across a post similar to this:
Daughter: What is Netflix and Chill?
Mom: I means you're hooking up...

Say whaaaat??? Netflix and Chill does not literally mean you Netflix and Chill? Because I LOVE to Netflix and Chill...like really Netflix and Chill. Those are my favorite days - snowy or rainy and I can just bring up good ole Netflix and lay on my couch and chill. Is this not what Netflix and Chill means??

Apparently not! Apparently Netflix and Chill is some kind of code...a very messed up code. Now, I've shared 100 posts about Netflixing and Chilling because I ACTUALLY Netflix and Chill and now everyone on my FB thinks I'm highly active or just...seeking action.

When did I get so old that I stopped knowing the lingo? I feel like I am going to have to Google everything before I share it now, because things like Netflix and Chill do not mean Netflix and Chill.

While I'm panicking about all my Netflix and Chill posts, I remember a photo of a bunch of people - mostly teenagers mind you, standing with a banner that said 1st Annual  Netflix and Chill Festival. Guess what...I shared that shit... Why? Because I thought it ACTUALLY meant Netflix and Chill!! I thought it was awesome and wished I could attend. However, now I do not - I deleted my post and am now praying for these teenagers and their festival. Someone call their parents!!

So, now I am really weirded out on FB. I don't dare share anything, I am a little leery of even posting the most common things. Last weekend, I took my niece to a university open house and we met up with our cousin for lunch. It was a lovely time, I wanted to give a little shoutout, something like "had an awesome time at lunch today with Emilee"...but I didn't dare. God only knows what that means! Nothing is sacred anymore...not even Netflix. So, when I say Netflix and Chill...I actually mean Netflix and Chill. I am not as inappropriate as my FB is portraying me to be.

PS. Alanis Morisette's Jagged Little Pill album just celebrated its 20th Anniversary...just let that set in for a moment. 

Someday.

I realize it has been quite some time since I have visited and checked in, let alone write a little something. Last post, you all discovered my upcoming career move - a huge decision, which also happened to be my 30th birthday. It has been approximately a month and even though things are still a bit chaotic - you all deserve a little update...The hiatus is over - I'm back!!..(with a funky, fresh new look for my blog).

From the point of making the decision to leave not only my job, but my entire line of work - until the day I actually started my new job equaled 12 days exactly. They were the 12 most grueling days I think I've ever lived, and I've had some pretty rough times. That idle time made a mess of me. I stressed so much over my decision during that time. It really wore me down. I just wanted to jump to my first day so I could stop stirring over my decision...put some actual logic behind my emotions. I didn't even care if it was right or wrong actually - I just wanted feelings that were based on something real and not just thoughts. I was driving myself mad.

I sat in my living room on the eve of my first day and realized I felt nothing. All of the typical emotions you might feel under those circumstances: excitement, nervousness, anticipation, fear...very normal emotions...I felt none of those things. I only felt relieved that the crazy mess of a person I had become would finally move in one direction or another.

The morning arrived - I was starting a new job and I was a mess. I wasn't even nervous about the job, about my first day...I was just nervous that I "wasn't myself" - although I wasn't sure what "myself" felt like anymore. It wasn't a very good feeling to have on that day, a day I needed to be on my game.

My work has dominated my life. It was the biggest piece of me - the piece that really made me me...and then it was gone. I worked all.the.time. On paper, I worked 8:15-2:45pm. Most days, I would get home between 4pm-5pm. I would have supper and I would continue to work in the evenings. I was always trying to find new research, new methods, new resources, constantly communicating, brainstorming, stressing, convincing myself there is an answer, putting things together and squeezing in whatever I missed during the day. I could have worked 24/7 and still found more to do. I would do this until 9pm-10pm. Anything I was involved in (Girl Guides, Library events) really got the short end of the stick. I don't think people realized how much I lived and breathed my work. I loved it, I loved every minute of it -I thrived on knowing I was doing something good, that I was successful. My job was my life. Everything else got half fast parts of me. Friends, family, hobbies - if you can call them that. Work was my hobby. I tried different things, but I never committed because I would always make an excuse and stay home.

I need to be better at being more than work and doing things for me, that is something I hope to do with this job. But at that moment when I was lying wide awake in my bed realizing all that was gone, I panicked. I knew that person, I knew her very well. I knew the routine, the expectations, the abilities, the goals. I woke up - brand new 30 year old me and I was supposed to be this whole new person. I was supposed to feel amazing. I might be - someday. But I really needed that on that day, and not only did I not have it - but I didn't even recognize myself.

My career is gone and I'm not sure who I am without it. I'm not sure to expect from here on out, who I could be or if I will even enjoy this person. There was just too much unknown during that time. I'm not big on the unknown...anytime.

The next 2.5 weeks flew by. Ya know, I really enjoy this thing they call the insurance business lol.  I'm busy learning and being challenged all day and studying for my insurance broker exam in the evenings, which I am so nervous about. In terms of the content of my job, I love it. However, it has been difficult for me. 

I worked in my previous field for over a decade. Even starting out in that field, I had worked with children and youth before as well as earned some education and knowledge to help me out. A lot of my work came naturally to me, but I also worked hard and excelled at any job I took on. I was a go to person in many of my positions. Most of the time, I don't feel very successful in life - except when it comes to work. I was very confident and successful at work. It was the one area where I felt I was doing something right. It was nice to have that. Maybe that's why I gave so much of myself to work. Now, suddenly - that is gone. I go to work and feel completely lost. I worry that I'm not catching on quick enough, that I'm not going to get it, that I'm going to fail this exam, that I've made such a big decision, such a big move and I will not find success again. I go home where I can't seem to find success either - not enough time, not enough money, not enough me. I have been really frustrated with myself. However, as I write and realize it has only been 2.5 weeks...I also realize I'm probably being too hard on myself.

It HAS only been 2.5 weeks...I need to accept that I can't just be good at everything. It will take time and a lot of hard work, but I CAN find success. I'm going to be a kick ass Insurance Broker - someday. Probably many, many somedays from now. But...someday lol.

End Game

Recently, female students from my school attended a Girl Empowerment Summit hosted by Fearlessly Girl, an organization founded by Kate Whitfield. Fearlessly Girl creates movements to increase leadership and empowerment among young women, and encourages working on positive self image, decreasing girl-against-girl bullying and more. From there, these students decided that our community could benefit from bringing some of this knowledge to our school.

Between college and my time working in the field, I have 11 years worth of stories, stress, set backs and successes with children and youth facing these issues. I've encountered so many who have sadly turned to unhealthy and dangerous ways of coping. It's important to work on setting up effective strategies while facing challenges - but getting to the root of the problem is really the best solution. If we could work on bullying in general, we may not have to work with so many who are being torn down by it. So, I of course wanted to help. We got together to begin planning. As we are reviewing our Fearlessly Girl book (available here) we are discussing body image...rocking what you got, beauty-full you, self esteem make overs, etc.

It really had me thinking...I've been so public and up front with this journey, but have I given the wrong idea? I like to joke around and poke fun at some of the things I do - But plain and simple, this is all about feeling good. I don't want the girls in our community, my own family, or any random female who might stumble upon my blog to get the wrong idea. The effects of my weight were mostly mental, but were not extreme. It wasn't okay and I should have worked through it then. Now, I'm much older and the effects are more significant...mental, physical and magnified. Those minimums turned to maximums - I am far from comfortable and capable, and there lies the issue.

I don't want any visitors to begin to read about my journey and think I spend my days putting myself down in front of a mirror or on top of my scale. I also do not want them to start thinking about themselves and feeling like they need to change. Happy and Healthy - this is how we should be gaging our success.

I should be representing a population of girls my size and encouraging them to love themselves, be proud of themselves, don't hide it, be who you are...But, as you've read - I was not happy and healthy and needed a change. I have the utmost respect for any other curvy lady living that way...and I hope to join you. I just have some work to do first. It shouldn't be about what I see in the mirror, see on the scale or what size my pants are. Happy and Healthy - that is the end game.

For this journey, the best way to track my progress has been Weigh-In Wednesday. But, I know it's not about the number. My TOPS leader is always reminding us that we are more than the number on the scale. Yes, I use the scale to determine my successes - but it is simply to help me know that I am on the right path. I would really hate to give the impression that it means more than it does, and I'd hate to have my journey encourage someone else to think that way.

While, I'm not quite ready to set myself completely free from the scale, I do think a scale make-over is in order. I talk a lot of numbers, and this needs to change as I do. A good project to work on would be to find some more creative and encouraging ways of determining my success. I am going to try to J.Law it up for a little while. In the spirit of this post, and J.Law'ing it up - I will not give a specific update, but let you know that my TOPS meeting last week was positive - and I felt good. Success!

As I strive to be a positive role model, I don't strive to be "thin", or have my hair and make-up done every day, or wear the right things or wish I didn't have a lazy eye. My end game does not have any specifics on appearance or weight. I want to feel good, I want to be comfortable, I want to not feel anxious. I want to be confident, I want to be proud - I don't believe I have to be 131 lbs, have flexing oblique muscles, or only one chin just to feel that way. I have an idea in mind on how comfortable with life I wish to be. That's my end game.

On The Road Again, Take 1.

The long weekend was just around the corner - it was so close, I could feel it! The fun, the sun, the relaxation, the time to myself, the...all kinds of things I probably will not - in fact, get to do or receive...

What I did receive was a very last minute phone call to see my orthopedic surgeon. As much as I did not want to go to Fredericton, it was pay day and actually a good day to take off work. It could not have worked out any better - Yay.

I have spent very little time in Fredericton in the last decade. I went with Becca to the Kia Dealership once (and no further) and have made a few trips past Fredericton, to Oromocto. But, in terms of being in the depths of NB's lovely capital - that would have taken place in 2004, I believe.

I'm a pretty independent lady. I've traveled all over, moved to towns and cities I never even visited first, and managed to get myself around just fine. I wasn't too concerned about this trip, but I also had no idea what was going to happen at this appointment. Luckily, Becca needed to also go to Fredericton and was able to reschedule her own appointment to accompany me. I had done the same for her not too long ago - except in the wonderful city of Saint John - so there wasn't too much shame involved...and now we're even. Independent ladies, unite!

The appointment is soon over, and we're venturing back to the Parking Garage. We back up and Miss-Must-Be-In-Control...uh, that would be me. If you actually know Becca or I in real life, I'm sure you did not need any clarification. Anyways, Miss-Must-Be-In-Control provided some quite confident directions as to how to exit said parking garage. We're rolling along and - Car!!!! This car was - in my defense, going WAY too fast. However, in their defense...we were going the wrong way.

Me: We're going the wrong way!!
Her: I know.
Me: Why didn't you say something?
Her: Oh...I don't know.
Me: What, really?
Her: Yea.
Me: Seriously?
Her: Going the wrong way was less risky for me personally, than pointing out that you were wrong.
Me: So, you purposefully headed into ongoing traffic opposed to telling me I was wrong?
Her: Yup.

In her defense, she may have been right, or close to it.

Some things really are just like riding a bike - the lovely city came back to me just like that. We found all our desired locations. As we went about our day, I was recalling a variety of streets, directions, places, etc. Becca also kindly introduced me to some new roads and ways of getting about...
Her: This is the way I took the last time Grammy and I went to my dealer...
Me: Huh?
Her: Dealer...as in dealership...as in Kia...
Me: Oh.

We hit up Relish (so good, but also so not good for me) and venture on. Becca takes me to this AMAZING used book store.

If you live in the Fredericton area, visit the Fredericton area of even know where the Fredericton area is The Owl's Nest Book Store is a must. It is a never ending used book store. I was in my glory...Shelf after shelf, room after room, witty category after witty category - complete with a rolling ladder. You could even swing from the ladder and sing like Belle, while you select your books.

This was something I really wanted to do, but it was turned down by my partner in crime. Since she introduced me to this magical place, I obeyed her wishes. I will save this adventure for my next visit. As I sadly checked out of the store, I decided on one final request - to spend my next life as the stores chubby, grey cat - Pepper, enjoying all of my days snuggled up on the Children's Section couch.

Dreams come true here, I'm sure of it.

  


Now, it might have been pay day, but Winter Recovery 2015 is in full effect and funds are limited. However, I have a few events coming up in the next couple of months and it would be nice to have an outfit that fits me correctly. I decide I'm going to peak at some sales racks. 

Shopping and I have a love/hate relationship. I love fashion, I love purchasing things. But, I hate buying clothes for myself. It is typically a horrible and depressing experience. I am down 30 lbs. So, naturally - I'm thinking it is going to be exciting to go shopping.

Oh Dear Lord, no...I start off by quite proudly selecting a smaller size. Yea...this was not a good idea. I apparently was feeling realllly confident - because I also selected sleeveless items to show off my sagging arm fat and short garments for my never ending torso. So, you get the picture here, right? Whatever amazing shopping experience I dreamed up - was just that...a dream! I came down off my high horse pretty quick.

I put on the first shirt.
Me: What do you think?
Her: Mmmm - no...
Me: Really?
Her: Really...
Me: Huh...okay. *insert shoulder shrug*

Next shirt...
Me: What about this one?
Her: Mmmm - no...
Me: REALLY?
Her: Really.
Me: REALLY?!?
Her: Really...

Frig sake.
As I'm putting on another item I hear one of the attendant's come in...
A: Can I help you with something?
Her: No, I'm just here for moral support.
Me: *shouting from the changing room* And she sucks at it!!
Her: You always say you wish I would speak up and be honest.
Me: Yea well, I'm really sick of you being right today.

I leave the room, sift through the sales rack again. Now that I've returned to reality, I realize that there is nothing there for me. We head to another store, then another store, then another store.

I can't even believe this!...I really anticipated a more positive shopping excursion. As we leave the current store, I vow that I'm only visiting one final store. We have already spent far more time than I had planned on this endeavour.

We enter. We look. I can't find the dreaded plus size section...Fine, I think. I'll ask. A lady comes near that thankfully is NOT a size 4, 8 or even a 10. Phew. I am feeling comfortable asking for directions. Certainly no fault of this poor lady - but the plus size section is a bit on the wee side for a department store and she informs me that plus size dresses are "just mixed in". At first, I'm like...Hell yea!! I check the tag on every.single.dress. I found ONE plus size dress...out of probably 200 dresses.

The ambition is so far gone, I can't even see it running away from me. I drag myself to the fitting room, and it goes a little something like this:
Ugh.
If I had to, I suppose...
Gag. (The one dress I searched hopelessly for - is a mumu. A very not flattering mumu).
I'm over it.

Becca swoops in and encourages me to finish up what I brought in. This is the only reason she was forgiven for all of her previous wise cracks. I slide on the next shirt and...finally! Something decent. It looks nice. I felt good wearing it. Let's get outta here!

I was feeling pretty defeated. I have changed my entire life, and I anticipated a mediocre experience, at the very least. I still hate shopping for my own clothes, how disappointing! But, I found a shirt. As hard as it is to not dwell on the fact that I tried on several items and only found one (even though I only needed one) and spent twice the amount of time doing so - I found something, one something - when I could have found nothing at all.

That shirt couldn't have come at a better time. My feet and thighs were screaming. I painfully return to the car, swearing to myself for wearing a maxi skirt for easy access (to my knee, people!) and not realizing I was going to be shopping for one item for hours. I put in 9000 steps in that skirt and the chub rub was on fire! My thighs were so happy when it was time to settle in for the drive home. Oh, and the feet - which I didn't complain about at the time, because I was trying to get away with the fact that I wore Becca's shoes.

It was certainly an interesting day - I wouldn't expect any less. When I made it home, I snuggled up and tried to only think about my new shirt, my new books and looking forward to my long weekend... I also decided being cremated is my last hope for a smoking hot body.

Give Me One Reason...

In honor of my childhood friend Meghan, her birthday, and the beginning of everyone turning 30 - I MAY actually leave my house. Now, this rarely happens and I use the term MAY very loosely. I obviously do leave the house to go to work, and some of the extra community stuff I do. When I finally get to come home and enjoy my house and myself, there are very few things which can entice me into leaving it again. There has to be a damn good reason to get me dressed and out the door...and I can think of MANY reasons why I shouldn't. If you're ever searching for a reason to stay home - look no further!

Let's start off with simply - it's been a long week! You just need to unwind after the work week - and need to rest up for the next one.

You know everywhere you go you will be fighting your way through a crowd of a) stumbling drunk people b) crying and/or loud drunk people or c) just waaaaay too drunk people who really needed to go home two hours ago. You will also likely fall into one of these categories as the night progresses. Hopefully A...A is really the best outcome.

Your couch is far more comfortable than any restaurant chair, bar stool or the inevitable...standing all night long.

You don't have to get anxious about going out, fighting with your friends about who is going to walk in first and then spend the first 20 minutes awkwardly hovering until your shots start to kick in.

You COULD make an excuse to duck out early - but the whole point of not going is not having to do your hair, make up or even get dressed. When you're home, you don't have to wear a bra...or pants.

You save money.

If you go out, there's that one clingy person you can't get away from...or that one person who just will not shut up.  You have managed to somehow get caught up in this random conversation with someone you have no interest in speaking with, and now you have to awkwardly try to ditch. Somewhere along the way - something weird...like, extremely weird is going to happen that will forever be embedded in your brain.

However, if you're home you can feel perfectly comfortable letting your own freak flag fly without judgement.

Then there's nothing to worry about until Monday.

If you go out, people want you to make plans. I am a total planner - but I know there is a 99.9% chance I'm not attending, so I don't like to "plan". Then people expect that you're committed. I struggle with commitment. Unless it's a TV series. Which leads to another excellent reason: Netflix. Enough said.

 

At home, you can stuff your face and eat your emotions and noone will judge.

Also at home: Comfy's. No restricting pants cutting you in half at the waist. No having to squeeze in and out of your Spanx. If you stay home - you don't even have to shower let alone get dressed. You can look however you like...

Pets don't judge. Aloud anyways...

Everyone loves a good book - plus spending a whole evening fighting for your life in The Hunger games arena, dodging bullets from an opposing fraction or not being able to sit on your blistered submissive ass really helps you put your own life into perspective.

Now, how about not having to worry about the morning after FB, Instagram, SnapChat or other social media memorabilia you will find.

Take Out.

You can go to bed whenever you want.

You can blow hours on You Tube or Pinterest...and it's okay.

Most of all - stay home just because you can and you want to! All you young and/or single ladies - you DO NOT have to go out on a Saturday night...I repeat - you do not have to go out on a Saturday night...The world will not stop turning if you do not. I put this theory to the test quite some time ago...and as you can see, I survived long enough to deliver my findings. I am in fact, totally enjoying being a homebody. I think Netflix deserves a second shout out...

The Happy Adrenal Apple

Lately, some of my "good clothes" are making me appear...well, not good. Let's just say that much. Some of them are getting baggy. I was actually carrying an armload of stuff into the house last week and just as I finally reached the counter to unload, my pants fell to my ankles. It was a good thing I was alone! By the time Summer really hits, I will need to purchase a few staples for my wardrobe. If I'm going to work this hard to lose the weight, I'd like to look the part.

While considering what I have and what I will need - I decided I'm going to try to not cover my body with layers and layers of black anymore. I feel good, so let's look good. But, I have an odd body. My family would call this the candy apple look. Yup, I am apple shaped. This is supposed to be the hardest weight to get rid of, as well - awesome! All the luck...

 

While searching through a variety of blogs on how to dress this difficult shape of mine - I discovered a few Fancy Nancys who are also candy apples - such as Oprah, Dolly Parton, Catherine Zeta Jones, Kate Winslet AND...get this - Angelina Jolie! These are some pretty great people - must be the apple. Angelina is my favourite apple shaped celebrity. She might even be one of my favourite all time celebrities. Her style is simple and natural. Her influences are not limited to fashion and entertainment either. She is quite passionate about her involvements as a feminist and a humanitarian. A pretty well balanced celeb, I must say...and probably hard to come by. NOW we have something in common (probably the only thing). You should just start calling me, Angelina!

Angelina might be a few pounds lighter, so even though she is a candy apple as well - it is unlikely we will be wearing similar garments. It is also unlikely we suffer the same struggles. There are things I find difficult to do- not just because of the extra weight in general, but because of this specific shape. I like to call this struggle - the bowl.

This bowl gets in the way..a lot. It's terribly annoying. Whether I'm trying to tie my shoes or I'm trying to dig something out from the back of the cupboard - this bowl keeps me from bending and moving the way I need to. I have bowl belly..and by bowl belly, I don't mean those cute little belly castings people make when they're pregnant and turn into decorative pieces. No sir...I mean, it is literally like someone duct taped a bowl to my torso.

I have actually suggested to Becca that she try this, when she wonders why I have asked for her help digging a pan out of the back of the cupboard. I realllly wanted to duct tape a bowl to her torso - she wasn't into it. I can't imagine why though?! I think someone should try it - just to see what it's like to have this barrier smack dab in the middle of your body and try completing everyday tasks. Apparently it is not going to be Becca, though.

It's really a sin...But, she has survived so far and she hasn't moved out yet. I do get a lot of Ohhh deah's and head shakes. But she's still around...even after conversations like:
Me: Oh man, there's something wrong with my arm.
Her: Like what?
Me: I don't know. There's like a lump, and it's sore.
*she comes to investigate*
Her: Ohhhh deah.
Me: What?
Her: That would be called a bicep. *insert head shake here*
Me: Oh.
Her: Yeeeaaaa.....
Me: Never had one of those before, I guess.

This conversation should actually be the least of her worries - I've talked about things this week that I never talk about: poop, periods, belly fat...Oh yes, I think it has all been covered! Interestingly enough, I learned even more regarding this bowl of mine. I knew there were different shapes, but I did not know that there are different kind of bellies.

This discovery resulted in losing hours of my life I will never get back. Most sites refer to 4 main types. I narrowed it down to two - adrenal and thyroid. I think there is a little bit of both, but settled on adrenal after reviewing the information below, I found at Beauty Tips 4 Her.

While sifting through the information and reading things like...
"poor sleeping habits"
"brain fog"
"poor memory"
"edgy" and "irritable"...
I was thinking "DING! DING! DING! We have a winner!" Unfortunately, the only tips they gave for how to improve my situation was to reduce stress, increase sleep and eat consistently throughout the day instead of binging in the evenings. I have mastered that last tip - but unfortunately for me, there is very little I can do about one and two.

Regardless, I'm happy to say that I found some success on the scale this week - I'm down 2lbs and finally happy to see a budge. I don't think I'm going to reach my goal on time (after this 3 week lull) but I'm just happy to see a change on that scale again. I might be an adrenal apple, but I'm a happy one!

The Fire Inside

I have received superfluous amounts of support and praise for my endeavours. As I mentioned at the tail end of my last post - this blog and all of you are a key factor to my journey - along with TOPS, my fit bit and...the haters! Yup - the haters. You all know what I'm talking about! There is always that one Negative Nancy and sometimes a few Debbie Downers. Now, I'm not going to really hate on the haters, because all their negativity does is fuel my fire. So bring it on! Things like that would make the old Miss Rice sulky and retreat to bed. The new and improved Miss Rice uses it to pull me out of bed each morning and complete my strength each night.

Now, I don't have anyone downright telling me I can't do it - but I have received the occasional snarky remark... I also get a lot of the passive aggressive side comments: 

"Aren't you lucky - I have kids and work full time"

"I'm so busy, that must be nice."

I'm not discrediting stay at home Moms, single Moms, working Moms (or Dads).... Whether you are one of the mentioned, single and/or childless, or better yet - married to your job...Everyone is busy! It's how hard you're willing to work in order to make it work. No excuses, right?

Listen - It's no walk in the park...and I'm just as busy as the next person. I hate to do this rant, but I'm going to prove my point. I work Monday-Friday - but I am in work mode all.the.time. I have a job I care a great deal about and therefore, I work most evenings and I'm constantly thinking about it. I'm also taking 4 classes, I dogsit/babysit on an as need basis, I'm a member of the Library Association and leader of our local Girl Guides...among other things.

Did you think I get up at 5:30 each morning so I can watch the sun rise? Uhm no. It's because every other minute of my day is already booked. I've been there (many times)...always making an excuse. As I became an adult and should have taken matters into my own hands, I didn't really know how. It's taken me all this time to learn enough, work enough and want it enough. 

Yes - want it enough. Like most things - it's up to you to be ready. You're probably thinking, why wouldn't you want it? I'm not really sure?! Since I have always been "big" I think I was "used" to it. It never became a top priority until this year. Still, I don't really know what average or skinny Brittany looks like. Actually, when I try to think about it - I am a bit concerned about some things that come to mind.

Like - thigh gaps. I doubt I'll ever have one, but I actually am not interested. Whether you are supposed to or not. I'm serious about this one. I don't even like them. I think they look funny. I was discussing this on a recent car ride and my cousin started laughing and said I sounded like someone who was actually jealous, and in fact did want thigh gaps - but was pretending to not want thigh gaps. I assured her that was not the case. No thigh gap for me. Trust me! 

Remember my big head? If I lose weight (even just 40-50 lbs.) and still have this big noggin', I'm going to look like a bobble head! Ya know, one of those toys people put on their dash with the oversized head that bobs around. Eeekkk! I have to try not to think about it...

Like the head isn't worrying enough, a recent stomach discussion now has me further concerned. Much like a cow...most of us have sections to the abdomen area. Typically 2, I would say. During this discussion, I learned the bottom part of your abdomen is called a pannus. Who knew?...And you can have your pannus removed. Yup. True story. 

Now, I would prefer not to do that - for my body shape I think that would be a major no-no lol. I already have a horribly proportioned body! If I hacked off my pannus - that would only contribute to the madness. It would only add to the bobblehead effect. I might even be so top heavy, balance would be practically impossible. Since there are no options for my bobble head, I guess I better keep my pannus...and my ability to balance - thank you...

That discussion really had me thinking about weight loss alterations. I am trying to strength and tone - but I'm still worried it'll be sagging and flabbing all around. I most definitely would not have money for any form of surgery. However, I do not want to get dressed and then have to tuck my skin in. This is a great concern. I know I am many, many pounds away from this - but it's giving me nightmares. 

It's likely I'm also going to have weight gaining nightmares now! At our 12th meeting - I finally mumbled the words "I gained". Well, maybe not mumbled - as I envisioned that moment - I actually laughed while I said it. I couldn't believe I gained after working my ass off the last two weeks. I gained 0.2, after pounding pavement 5:30am - day after day.

So, Grey's fans - Here I am again, following in Meredith's footsteps. The streak is ovah!! I'm a bit nervous to watch tomorrow and see what is in store next. Regardless, I clearly have a few more things to figure out. I think I'm a far cry away from bobble head or pannus removal surgery, but in 148 days I might not be! By the way, I'll be expecting cash for my birthday to help pay for surgery!