Thursday, April 2, 2015

The Fire Inside

I have received superfluous amounts of support and praise for my endeavours. As I mentioned at the tail end of my last post - this blog and all of you are a key factor to my journey - along with TOPS, my fit bit and...the haters! Yup - the haters. You all know what I'm talking about! There is always that one Negative Nancy and sometimes a few Debbie Downers. Now, I'm not going to really hate on the haters, because all their negativity does is fuel my fire. So bring it on! Things like that would make the old Miss Rice sulky and retreat to bed. The new and improved Miss Rice uses it to pull me out of bed each morning and complete my strength each night.

Now, I don't have anyone downright telling me I can't do it - but I have received the occasional snarky remark... I also get a lot of the passive aggressive side comments: 
"Aren't you lucky - I have kids and work full time"
"I'm so busy, that must be nice."

I'm not discrediting stay at home Moms, single Moms, working Moms (or Dads).... Whether you are one of the mentioned, single and/or childless, or better yet - married to your job...Everyone is busy! It's how hard you're willing to work in order to make it work. No excuses, right?

Listen - It's no walk in the park...and I'm just as busy as the next person. I hate to do this rant, but I'm going to prove my point. I work Monday-Friday - but I am in work mode all.the.time. I have a job I care a great deal about and therefore, I work most evenings and I'm constantly thinking about it. I'm also taking 4 classes, I dogsit/babysit on an as need basis, I'm a member of the Library Association and leader of our local Girl Guides...among other things.

Did you think I get up at 5:30 each morning so I can watch the sun rise? Uhm no. It's because every other minute of my day is already booked. I've been there (many times)...always making an excuse. As I became an adult and should have taken matters into my own hands, I didn't really know how. It's taken me all this time to learn enough, work enough and want it enough. 

Yes - want it enough. Like most things - it's up to you to be ready. You're probably thinking, why wouldn't you want it? I'm not really sure?! Since I have always been "big" I think I was "used" to it. It never became a top priority until this year. Still, I don't really know what average or skinny Brittany looks like. Actually, when I try to think about it - I am a bit concerned about some things that come to mind.

Like - thigh gaps. I doubt I'll ever have one, but I actually am not interested. Whether you are supposed to or not. I'm serious about this one. I don't even like them. I think they look funny. I was discussing this on a recent car ride and my cousin started laughing and said I sounded like someone who was actually jealous, and in fact did want thigh gaps - but was pretending to not want thigh gaps. I assured her that was not the case. No thigh gap for me. Trust me! 

Remember my big head? If I lose weight (even just 40-50 lbs.) and still have this big noggin', I'm going to look like a bobble head! Ya know, one of those toys people put on their dash with the oversized head that bobs around. Eeekkk! I have to try not to think about it...

Like the head isn't worrying enough, a recent stomach discussion now has me further concerned. Much like a cow...most of us have sections to the abdomen area. Typically 2, I would say. During this discussion, I learned the bottom part of your abdomen is called a pannus. Who knew?...And you can have your pannus removed. Yup. True story. 

Now, I would prefer not to do that - for my body shape I think that would be a major no-no lol. I already have a horribly proportioned body! If I hacked off my pannus - that would only contribute to the madness. It would only add to the bobblehead effect. I might even be so top heavy, balance would be practically impossible. Since there are no options for my bobble head, I guess I better keep my pannus...and my ability to balance - thank you...

That discussion really had me thinking about weight loss alterations. I am trying to strength and tone - but I'm still worried it'll be sagging and flabbing all around. I most definitely would not have money for any form of surgery. However, I do not want to get dressed and then have to tuck my skin in. This is a great concern. I know I am many, many pounds away from this - but it's giving me nightmares. 

It's likely I'm also going to have weight gaining nightmares now! At our 12th meeting - I finally mumbled the words "I gained". Well, maybe not mumbled - as I envisioned that moment - I actually laughed while I said it. I couldn't believe I gained after working my ass off the last two weeks. I gained 0.2, after pounding pavement 5:30am - day after day.

So, Grey's fans - Here I am again, following in Meredith's footsteps. The streak is ovah!! I'm a bit nervous to watch tomorrow and see what is in store next. Regardless, I clearly have a few more things to figure out. I think I'm a far cry away from bobble head or pannus removal surgery, but in 148 days I might not be! By the way, I'll be expecting cash for my birthday to help pay for surgery! 


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