Saturday, March 14, 2015

The Struggle is Real!

Let's recap the last week:
- Post March Break
- Time Change
- Progress??

One of these things just doesn't belong!... Most time changes and transitions do not affect me. However, I think this past week was a clear sign of aging. The return to school as well as the time change did quite a number on me. I could barely hold my head up after work. Yet, when I went to go to bed I was wide awake and slept really poorly. If this sounds like a disaster, that is because it WAS! The struggle is real, folks! Yet somehow, I managed to find some exercise success. I'm random like that.

If you've been reading along, you're aware that exercise is my downfall. Like many, I have limited time to fit it in. This week I'm down another 1.6lbs. I felt like I had a good week and honestly was expecting a better result of my good work outs and eating. But, I recognize that there were a few downfalls as well such as not getting enough fibre, not sleeping much and exercise inconsistencies last week. Magically, I manage to prioritize everything else before my exercise routine...
"Oh, I need to get the Girl Guides schedule done."
"Geez, I really should read this Chapter today, I might not have time tomorrow."
"The library needs that mail out down ASAP."

The work out piece of my puzzle is where I'm continuously trying to improve and progress. I love all of the extras I am involved in, and I've already cut back significantly - and somehow still need to make some changes. I'm half way there, but I really need to let go and cross the finish line.  

I receive a lot of invites and encouragement - So what's the problem, here? 

I have a complex about working out with people or around people. Let's just be honest - I'm a giant complex! I'm a total nut case, and I know it! LOL. I'm not going to tell you my sad sob story - but for a variety of reasons, I am pretty insecure. I am always being invited to go kayaking, walk local trails, etc. I always have a perfect excuse to excuse myself from such invites that push me outside of my comfort zone. Even with the best of my friends, I am very self-conscious. I avoid most and many events/activities. If we've been asked to go out, I will get showered, do my hair, make-up and once it's time to get dressed and leave...insert full blown meltdown here. 

Insecure. Uncomfortable. Anxious. Self-Conscious. However you want to classify it - it keeps me from a lot of things. If I am going to really do this - I need cardio. I am getting some in, but I need more and I need it more consistently. Since I struggle to do cardio on my own at home, the best idea is to attend classes, go with a group, have fun and support each other. But given my complex - this is very difficult.

All along I have said I'm doing this realistically. I'm not going to try to do things I know I cannot stick with. One of these things being early morning workouts - knowing darn well I would never do it, let alone be consistent with it. 

Contrary to everything I have said, last night I told myself I would get up early and go for a walk before work. I've said this 100 times, have I ever followed through? Uh no. Which is why I know not to even joke about it. But by golly, I did it!

That's right, this morning I woke up at 6am and walked/jogged my little hiney up and down the road. It was a horrible day for it, too. Windy. Cold. Icy. Dark. It was also AWESOME.

No joke.

Even though icicles were forming off my fingertips, the rest of me was fine. Normally I'm so anxious while working out - even walking. As people drive by, I wonder what they're thinking, what they're saying - "There is that Brittany Rice walking, what a joke." It was dark. It was quiet. It was just me and the road. I dare say it was peaceful, and none of that stress was there. When I got to work, I was chipper, eager and had a great, positive day. This could be a coincidence - but it just seems that it was a great booster. I'm not saying it will ever happen again. But I sure do hope so. I'd like to think I could test the theory. Even though I had a very close encounter with the garbage truck - Success #1 of the week - Check!

 Pre-Morning Work Out..."Am I reallly doing this?" Face
Post-Morning Work Out..."OMG, I did it!" Frosty Face

Success #2? On Sunday, I broke the work-out-in-public-ice. Some members of my TOPS group attend a Drums Alive class. It sounded like something I would really enjoy, and I was interested, but I was also extremely nervous. I said I would go. However, Sunday rolled around I was hesitating. Becca said "You're going!". All day - she told me I was going and I was going to be fine and I was going to enjoy it. 

As the time crept up, I started to get panicky. I started pacing. Naturally, I couldn't find my favourite sneaks - so I couldn't go. I was at my breakdown point, so no other shoes would do. I wasn't going. 
Fast forward 20 minutes - Found my shoes! But I'm already doubting the entire thing, I'm pacing, I'm stressing...I'm not going. When the time came, Becca pushed me out through the door. As soon as I jumped in the vehicle, I had to put on my game face.   

We arrive. We sign in. We set up. We begin. 

Within 15 minutes I'm going through the actions and I've pushed everything else aside. I really did enjoy the class...and now that I've broke the ice, I really need to make a challenge of committing to this class and attending regularly so I can overcome these anxieties. Then, maybe I can progress onto another class and hopefully I will begin to feel more comfortable with myself and it will spread to other situations.

I've lived a life of downfalls. I can honestly say this journey has had as many ups as downs - even if they're equal, that is success to me. The struggle may be real, but with 166 days to go, I think I can honestly say I will be thirty and...balanced.

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