It really wouldn't be very fair to say I am struggling...this is mainly because I am not trying at all!! All of my energy is currently focused on end of school year survival. I am drained and apparently, according to Becca - eating us out of house and home. I am officially off the wagon.
I don't intend to stay on the side lines, but I've decided to accept that right now is not the time. I only have so many days left of school, and when school is done, I will pull my shit together and jump back on the train.
However, in the mean time, we can't keep manage to keep groceries. It's like a competition to see how fast I can get rid of them. I am also eating things I haven't had since December - Pepsi is back on the menu regularly, I've certainly had my fill of PB cups...oh, and the chips...the chips...plus dip...which apparently does count even when it is veggie dip.
When I am stressed, since I don't know how to release my feelings in an emotional or physical way, the best solution seems to be carbs and corn syrups.
This person, sitting here typing to all you fine folks is someone I haven't laid eyes on in a long time. I think she might in fact be worse than the person I was before. I keep catching myself not even sitting down to eat. If a woman stands while she eats, and immediately tosses the evidence - did she really eat? Pretty sure she did. Eventually it's going to appear...on the scale, on hips, on my chin, places I didn't know it could go...
It is quite likely, especially lately that you will hear the words "the struggle is real" from me daily. It has never been more true - the struggle IS real!! I'm not even attempting to fight it off. I can't stop feeding myself. I am a true example of a train wreck that you can't turn away from.
The only thing on my mind or on my plate are carbs and corn syrups. I know I need to start reigning it in, that I need to get back on track. So, I decided I needed a physical and/or mental activity to turn things around. Therefore, I am going to head out kayaking. That will help, I thought.
I thought wrong. I'm not sure why I was so confident in this activity. I enjoy kayaking, but I have not always had the best experiences. I wouldn't call this a 10 for 10 activity. I'll spare you the story of when I flipped my kayak into the chilling ocean in April...and move right onto the time the beaver tried to take me down.
Yes, you read that correctly, Miss Proud to Be Canadian, is not so fond of beavers. Once upon a time, back when I apparently could lay back and enjoy kayaking, Becca and I loaded up for a quiet day on the water. We arrive, we unload, we sit, we paddle to the end, we paddle back...At this point, we're just drifting around and hanging out. Suddenly - splash splash..."Oh, look...a cute little beaver. How nice!"
No - not nice! I can only assume that this beaver may have had young nearby, but for whatever reason - it did not want me in its lake. Just me. It was taking me down! It came up on one side of my kayak and flapped the boat quite sternly, dunked, popped up on the other side and did the same. It did this repeatedly, continuing to get more aggressive. The kayak started to bob side to side. I worked to keep my balance - but I wasn't sure it would be smart to put my paddle in and try to move out of harms way, or whether the beaver would be threatened by this action. As the flaps became more aggressive - I really had no choice, and I dunked that bad boy in and shoved off, trying to quickly exit the scene. The beaver followed along and flapped for a little bit, but eventually I got ahead or she gave up...Not sure which. I am not ashamed to admit, I was scared of that furry thing - tipping was NOT an option. Becca will often tell you I exaggerate the seriousness of most situations, but she totally has my back on this tale.
Now...Skip ahead to the present...Here, I am in need of a mental detox and for some reason I decide to try to find inner peace in the middle of the lake. We load up, we arrive and we unload.
Ahh...just what I was looking for. Physical outlet, sun, peace, quiet and even a dog frolicking on the beach over yonder. I can just imagine Louis' "What A Wonderful World" playing softly in the background - when suddenly the record needle comes to a screeching halt.
I spy my first beaver dam.
My blood pressure begins to rise. I paddle harder.
Phew. Out of sight,out of mind. Except..there's another and another and another...
Pretty sure the world record of beaver dams in one given location has been broken.
With each dam we pass, my blood pressure rises.
This is NOT stress-free...Why didn't I pack a snack??
I finally get to the end, we swing around to head back and I can't even believe I have to pass all of these dams AGAIN.
As we're heading back, the wind suddenly picks up. While it's common to have a bit of movement in the ocean, I've never had such an experience in a lake before. The wind is pressing hard against us, the swells are coming right up over the front of the kayak and the water is splashing me in the face.
All I can think is - I am NOT staying here with the beavers and I am not going under!! I start to dig in, I have never kayaked so hard...and poor Becca - I didn't wait for her, nor did I look back to check on her. I just knew I was not risking tipping, flipping or anything in between that might land me with those beavers.
If I had to provide an example of what this scenario looked like, I would say Cruella DeVil...I was like Cruella, except in a kayak instead of a roadster - but the same look of insanity, and probably the same hair style.
When I came to the home stretch, I could feel the relief flush through my body. At this point, I did turn to ensure the beavers didn't have Becca, who was indeed behind me. This yak of solace to get me back on track was a bit of a fail.
But, thankfully tomorrow is Friday - the last day of school and the end of my carbs and corn syrups.
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