From the point of making the decision to leave not only my job, but my entire line of work - until the day I actually started my new job equaled 12 days exactly. They were the 12 most grueling days I think I've ever lived, and I've had some pretty rough times. That idle time made a mess of me. I stressed so much over my decision during that time. It really wore me down. I just wanted to jump to my first day so I could stop stirring over my decision...put some actual logic behind my emotions. I didn't even care if it was right or wrong actually - I just wanted feelings that were based on something real and not just thoughts. I was driving myself mad.
I sat in my living room on the eve of my first day and realized I felt nothing. All of the typical emotions you might feel under those circumstances: excitement, nervousness, anticipation, fear...very normal emotions...I felt none of those things. I only felt relieved that the crazy mess of a person I had become would finally move in one direction or another.
The morning arrived - I was starting a new job and I was a mess. I wasn't even nervous about the job, about my first day...I was just nervous that I "wasn't myself" - although I wasn't sure what "myself" felt like anymore. It wasn't a very good feeling to have on that day, a day I needed to be on my game.
My work has dominated my life. It was the biggest piece of me - the piece that really made me me...and then it was gone. I worked all.the.time. On paper, I worked 8:15-2:45pm. Most days, I would get home between 4pm-5pm. I would have supper and I would continue to work in the evenings. I was always trying to find new research, new methods, new resources, constantly communicating, brainstorming, stressing, convincing myself there is an answer, putting things together and squeezing in whatever I missed during the day. I could have worked 24/7 and still found more to do. I would do this until 9pm-10pm. Anything I was involved in (Girl Guides, Library events) really got the short end of the stick. I don't think people realized how much I lived and breathed my work. I loved it, I loved every minute of it -I thrived on knowing I was doing something good, that I was successful. My job was my life. Everything else got half fast parts of me. Friends, family, hobbies - if you can call them that. Work was my hobby. I tried different things, but I never committed because I would always make an excuse and stay home.
I need to be better at being more than work and doing things for me, that is something I hope to do with this job. But at that moment when I was lying wide awake in my bed realizing all that was gone, I panicked. I knew that person, I knew her very well. I knew the routine, the expectations, the abilities, the goals. I woke up - brand new 30 year old me and I was supposed to be this whole new person. I was supposed to feel amazing. I might be - someday. But I really needed that on that day, and not only did I not have it - but I didn't even recognize myself.
My career is gone and I'm not sure who I am without it. I'm not sure to expect from here on out, who I could be or if I will even enjoy this person. There was just too much unknown during that time. I'm not big on the unknown...anytime.
The next 2.5 weeks flew by. Ya know, I really enjoy this thing they call the insurance business lol. I'm busy learning and being challenged all day and studying for my insurance broker exam in the evenings, which I am so nervous about. In terms of the content of my job, I love it. However, it has been difficult for me.
I worked in my previous field for over a decade. Even starting out in that field, I had worked with children and youth before as well as earned some education and knowledge to help me out. A lot of my work came naturally to me, but I also worked hard and excelled at any job I took on. I was a go to person in many of my positions. Most of the time, I don't feel very successful in life - except when it comes to work. I was very confident and successful at work. It was the one area where I felt I was doing something right. It was nice to have that. Maybe that's why I gave so much of myself to work. Now, suddenly - that is gone. I go to work and feel completely lost. I worry that I'm not catching on quick enough, that I'm not going to get it, that I'm going to fail this exam, that I've made such a big decision, such a big move and I will not find success again. I go home where I can't seem to find success either - not enough time, not enough money, not enough me. I have been really frustrated with myself. However, as I write and realize it has only been 2.5 weeks...I also realize I'm probably being too hard on myself.
It HAS only been 2.5 weeks...I need to accept that I can't just be good at everything. It will take time and a lot of hard work, but I CAN find success. I'm going to be a kick ass Insurance Broker - someday. Probably many, many somedays from now. But...someday lol.
